My resignation from ministry as a pastor was perhaps the greatest struggle I faced. Facing new limitations was/is the source of my greatest frustration and even at times anger. The greatest casualty of Parkinson’s disease is the theft of my ministry, my life’s work, and the excitement of looking forward to 20 years or so of my ministry as a pastor. Standing back, taking a look at my angst, it is easy to see a somewhat less than faith-full response. There are far too many personal pronouns for my response to reflect a strong faith that God is … God is love …and God is at work. The work ethic was ingrained into the person and pastor I had become. A little background/nostalgia may help.
As a pastor of 25+ years, I had a pretty good sense of what it meant to live my faith. I knew that my first priority was to spend time with God so I wouldn’t be too cranky with the people and so I would have the resources I need to serve others. I knew that I must pray much and plan well to see progress or success in ministry. I knew unless I built leaders and included people in praying and planning there would be no shared vision. I knew that I was not a mega church pastor.
Writing these words, they seem rather presumptuous in an “I’ve got it all figured out” kind of way. But I’ve got that covered too because; I knew that I didn’t have it all figured out. At times I still wonder what shape my ministry would have taken had I not been diagnosed with Parkinson’s Disease. My best bet is that I would have become much more, or at least somewhat more, radical in the “last ten years/nothing to lose” period of my ministry. Maybe God was trying to save his kingdom from the fallout from that scenario.
There was great struggle as I tried to get a handle on what it meant to live out my faith while facing the annoyance and restriction of disease. I am old enough to be old school. Pastoral candidates were indoctrinated with the idea that a pastor must work hard. A “successful” pastor (i.e. lots of bodies and maybe even souls in the pews) shared his secret of success with a few of us young pastors. “There are only three things you need to do” he said . . . "Work ! Work ! Work!"
The generation before me was called to pastoral ministry within the context of a holiness revival. My generation was called to pastoral ministry in the context of the revival of the Jesus movement. We didn’t fit the mold. In fact we hated anything that faintly resembled any kind of mold.
Everything was changing. Dress codes were out the window. Suddenly rock and roll and Jesus were being used in the same sentence. The 60's era was a rebellion against hypocrisy, materialism, war, and violence. The mantra was “do your own thing” , don’t trust anyone over 30, make love not war, give peace a chance.
There was a throng of young people who became genuine followers of Christ. These Jesus people were out to change the world for Jesus. I was part of this vast group of Jesus people who would go out into our world gossiping about Jesus. Jesus’ commandment to go into the world with the good news was a life style. College campuses, spring break, coffee houses, rock and roll concerts, were all vehicles for the good news of the gospel.
To a certain extent, however, we (as in old hippy types), inherited the standards of the greatest generation, those of the WWII era. The expectations of a pastor were quite clear: a minimum 60 hour work week, knock on doors, have lots of kids in Sunday School, make at least 1,000 calls (i.e. homes visits) each year, and incidentally preach twice on Sunday teach Wednesday, youth group Friday nights. It was an all consuming life, and not without biblical precedent. Paul spoke of pouring out his life as a drink offering and of sharing his very life as well as the gospel.
As a young pastor I did everything in the church not the least of which was the weekly bulletin. The process began with a paraffin stencil upon which letters could be typed. This stencil was cut in half, unless there was the good fortune of having a wide carriage type writer. The announcements, statistics, order of service, and information were typed on the stencil; if a mistake was made it could be corrected with some ether smelling red liquid stuff. There were even reports of some rather fantasmic pseudo-spiritual visions after making too many mistakes.
The art work was then added. These cute little pictures of everything from picnic baskets, to flags, banner headings came on a blue sheet from some publishing house somewhere. The item would be cut out of the blue page, then outlined on the stencil, the shape cut out of the stencil and the little picture glued in. THEN, the two previously cut halves were glued together, THEN was placed on the mimeograph machine, saturated with ink and printed on the bulletin paper. A blotter page went between each bulletin as it cranked out of the machine. Upon drying, the bulletins were folded and ready for another Lord’s Day. Seriously, we did that every week.
Workaholism was the name of the game. There is a central core of that legacy which is positive. It is a good thing to recognize that pastoral ministry is not just playing games. The ministry was and is joyful, fulfilling, and positive in so many ways. However, the nature of this life and calling is to be all consuming. Evangelism was the number one priority. Nothing was more important than bringing people come to faith in Christ.
In the months following my diagnosis, this workaholic lifestyle had become, to quote my neurologist, “untenable”. I could no longer work hard all week. Parkinson’s was an adversary setting boundaries of weariness, stiffness, and confusion around me. I struggled with the affliction of PD and the false guilt of doing so much less than I still expected of myself.
When the tragic circumstances shake your identity and clamp limitations on what you are able to do, the most difficult faith decision of all is to accept that which has come our way. Henri Nouwen speaks of drinking our cup … choosing our lives:
Drinking our cup: Choosing our lives
Drinking our cup of life makes our own everything we are living. It is saying, “This is my life,” but also “I want this to be my life.” Drinking the cup of life is fully appropriating and internalizing our own existence, with all its sorrows and joys.
It is not easy to do this. For a long time we might not feel capable of accepting our own life. We can move beyond our protest, put the cup of our life to our lips and drink it, slowly, carefully, but fully. Pg.30
Accepting the tragedy and pain of life is a daunting spiritual challenge. Living out our faith is not surrender to the tragedy and pain of life but to live with a sense of acceptance but not surrender. If we can somehow, with God, by grace live through our trial with faith God will be glorified, people will be encouraged, and we will know the joy of the Lord as our strength.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Women Are Smarter Than Men
Women are Smarter Than Men
It was April of 1979; standing outside Anaheim stadium in California, shaking my head. I was taking a feeble first step toward understanding an indispensible lesson/life skill; a principle that is crucial to marital harmony/survival.
Women are smarter than men.
Grasping this concept was foundational to a long, mostly healthy, happy, and harmonious marriage. My wife Brenda and I were married in Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada. We drove across the prairies to Calgary to catch a flight to L.A. It was a wonderful trip, staying in a $15 hotel (No it was not one of those rent by the hour places), ate most of our meals at taco stands and ocean side sea food shops. Breakfast was served each day in our room; self serve, not room service. We called it romantic … my kids call it cheap.
One of the first things I checked upon arriving in California was the baseball schedule. Living in Saskatchewan, some 400 miles north of Montana, baseball was rarely on TV and going to a game was out of the question. I was more than excited to find out that the Angels were in town. I was positively ecstatic, as a Boston native, to see that they would be playing the Red Sox.
It was the very next day, I think, that we made our way down to the box office outside the stadium. My goal was to get the best seats possible, not knowing when this opportunity would come again. As I waited impatiently the line began to disperse and the word filtered back … sold out! I was so disappointed, crest fallen, depressed etc. etc.
Especially as a new bride, my wife was very much committed to her recent vows to love, honor, and pamper her husband till death do us part. Her positive, encouraging and cheery response was: “Let’s wait awhile, maybe someone will give us tickets”. She very much wanted to make me feel better but that’s what got me shaking my head.
My first unexpressed thought; what does my poor Canadian wife know about major league baseball. Cities in the northeast, i.e. Boston and New York, have a rather vain and at times even pompous view of themselves. I now live in New York and we speak of “the city” i.e. New York, as though no other city exists. Bostonians refer to Boston as the Hub, as in the hub of the universe. So it is likely 4 years of living in Kansas City and 4 years living in Canada, had not quite freed from all of that pomposity. So even though I still loved my new bride very much but she was obviously a rube from Canada needing enlightenment.
Still shaking my head, I responded quickly, “People do NOT just give away tickets to an Angels/RedSox game!” Her reaction was just a semi-smug knowing look and now my head is really shaking. It was no more than 30 seconds later, a gentleman approached us; “I have two box seat tickets I don’t need, would you like them?” Are you kidding me?! Now my head is lowered, but still shaking. Three rows up from the third base line, you could hear the base coach and players … best seats I ever had.
In over 30 years of marriage, we have never said I told you so, even once. But I think, even now, there is a touch of smugness when my wife thinks back to that day. And a touch of “humility/put in my place” feeling may still linger in my psyche as I learned one of the most important principles of marital bliss.
Women are smarter than men!
It was April of 1979; standing outside Anaheim stadium in California, shaking my head. I was taking a feeble first step toward understanding an indispensible lesson/life skill; a principle that is crucial to marital harmony/survival.
Women are smarter than men.
Grasping this concept was foundational to a long, mostly healthy, happy, and harmonious marriage. My wife Brenda and I were married in Winnipeg, Manitoba Canada. We drove across the prairies to Calgary to catch a flight to L.A. It was a wonderful trip, staying in a $15 hotel (No it was not one of those rent by the hour places), ate most of our meals at taco stands and ocean side sea food shops. Breakfast was served each day in our room; self serve, not room service. We called it romantic … my kids call it cheap.
One of the first things I checked upon arriving in California was the baseball schedule. Living in Saskatchewan, some 400 miles north of Montana, baseball was rarely on TV and going to a game was out of the question. I was more than excited to find out that the Angels were in town. I was positively ecstatic, as a Boston native, to see that they would be playing the Red Sox.
It was the very next day, I think, that we made our way down to the box office outside the stadium. My goal was to get the best seats possible, not knowing when this opportunity would come again. As I waited impatiently the line began to disperse and the word filtered back … sold out! I was so disappointed, crest fallen, depressed etc. etc.
Especially as a new bride, my wife was very much committed to her recent vows to love, honor, and pamper her husband till death do us part. Her positive, encouraging and cheery response was: “Let’s wait awhile, maybe someone will give us tickets”. She very much wanted to make me feel better but that’s what got me shaking my head.
My first unexpressed thought; what does my poor Canadian wife know about major league baseball. Cities in the northeast, i.e. Boston and New York, have a rather vain and at times even pompous view of themselves. I now live in New York and we speak of “the city” i.e. New York, as though no other city exists. Bostonians refer to Boston as the Hub, as in the hub of the universe. So it is likely 4 years of living in Kansas City and 4 years living in Canada, had not quite freed from all of that pomposity. So even though I still loved my new bride very much but she was obviously a rube from Canada needing enlightenment.
Still shaking my head, I responded quickly, “People do NOT just give away tickets to an Angels/RedSox game!” Her reaction was just a semi-smug knowing look and now my head is really shaking. It was no more than 30 seconds later, a gentleman approached us; “I have two box seat tickets I don’t need, would you like them?” Are you kidding me?! Now my head is lowered, but still shaking. Three rows up from the third base line, you could hear the base coach and players … best seats I ever had.
In over 30 years of marriage, we have never said I told you so, even once. But I think, even now, there is a touch of smugness when my wife thinks back to that day. And a touch of “humility/put in my place” feeling may still linger in my psyche as I learned one of the most important principles of marital bliss.
Women are smarter than men!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
More than Catechism
More than Catechism
Every Catholic kid I knew hated catechism, today known as CCD. They envied me that I didn’t have to go after school twice a week. As it turns out; catechism is a good thing. It is good to know the facts about our faith. It is good to have a solid foundation.
A solid faith, however, is more than just figuring things out. Faith is much deeper than merely knowing/believing that which is factual. We can be theologically correct, philosophically astute, logically sound and also fearful and overwhelmed.
There times when life is so ruthless that reciting a memorized catechism or glibly reading a string of promises leaves us still weak, lost and fearful. There is more to faith than a theological/teleological understanding that God cares for us and is at work for us. Faith becomes truly real only in a deeply intimate relationship with a personal God. A relationship that grows ever deeper and stronger in the storms of life.
John Wesley was a deeply earnest, well nigh unto obsessive, Anglican priest. His deepest desire was to be holy and obey God. As a young priest he made his way across the Atlantic Ocean to Georgia as a missionary to the Indians. Even as he sailed across the sea, he was preaching, teaching, praying and administering the sacraments to those on board. Every moment was devoted to seeking and serving God. He speaks of his daily schedule:
“We now began to be a little (are you kidding me?) regular. Our common way of living was this: - from four to five in the morning, each of us used private prayer. From five to seven we read the Bible together … at seven we breakfasted. At eight we were the public prayers. From nine to twelve I usually learned German … At twelve we met to give an account of one another what we had done since our last meeting and what we designed to do before our next …”
It goes on like that; lunch at one, 2pm reading to the passengers, 4pm evening prayers, 5pm private prayer, 6pm more reading with some passengers, 7pm German service, 8pm another meeting to check up on one another, 9-10pm sleep. And this was on a cruise ship! This guy really had faith i.e. he really believed God.
But it wasn’t long before the storm blew in and that obsessive compulsive religious cruise ship began to rock and roll! Wesley describes waves that … “rose to the heavens above and clave to hell beneath.” He was overwhelmed with fear and was … “ashamed of my unwillingness to die.” Asking himself, “How is it that thou art unwilling to die?” At the same time he observed the German Christians calmly singing a psalm through to entire storm.
Clearly, knowing and believing the right stuff was not enough when the storm threatened to turn his ship upside down. He confessed:
“I have a fair summer religion. I can talk well; nay and believe myself, while no danger is near: But let death look me in the face and my spirit is troubled.”
Without a warm, genuine, intimate, life changing relationship with God, Wesley was unable to face the storms of life that broke in upon him.
In his search for God Wesley speaks of going “very unwillingly” to a society on Alsdersgate Street where at about quarter to nine he felt his “heart strangely warmed.” He continues, “I felt I did trust in Christ, Christ alone for salvation: and an assurance was given me that he had taken away my sins, even mine and saved me from the law of sin and death.”
It is vital to have a clear assurance of the unshakeable, immoveable foundations stones of faith. No matter what our feelings, whatever the situation, nothing will change that: God is (a reality) … God is love (in nature) … and God is at work (through grace). But while a solid faith foundation is vital; a genuine, warm, personal relationship with God through his one and only Son is indispensible. Living our faith is less about what we believe and more about our relationship with God and how we respond to him in obedience..
Our faith in God is more than a tool needed to smooth out the bumps of life. It is by faith we come to know God. God is a God of revelation who wants to make himself known. In the harmony of nature, we see the nature of God. In Jesus Christ we see God seeking to restore a relationship with us as his children. In the beginning we see God walking and talking with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The whole revelation of scripture is the account of God’s pursuing and pleading that we (as his creation) would return to an intimate relationship with Him. The innate longing of our heart, is the voice of God within, calling us to come to him as his children. He is seeking to live in union with us in the joy, pain, triumphs, and defeats of life.
Now it gets pointedly personal. Is your heart strangely warmed by the presence of God? I sort of believe in altar calls. Sort of … because I have seen preachers in my formative years harangue and manipulate guilt ridden Christians to walk to the front of the church as a validation of their oratory prowess. I believe in altar calls because; when God speaks it is good to respond.
The warmth of a genuine personal relationship with a benevolent God is your deepest need. A cold clinical faith system will not bring the strength and courage you need in the cataclysms of life. A sweet loving Jesus is adequate to get you by when they snicker at your born again profession. But when the storms really start to rattle and roll your ship on the sea of life; you will need the very presence of the all mighty God of the universe.
The good news of the gospel is that: God was in Christ reconciling the world unto him”. In the crises of life – live your faith – stay close to God. He truly does love you and in him you live and move and have your being. As the catechism says: “The chief end of man is love God and enjoy him forever”.
Every Catholic kid I knew hated catechism, today known as CCD. They envied me that I didn’t have to go after school twice a week. As it turns out; catechism is a good thing. It is good to know the facts about our faith. It is good to have a solid foundation.
A solid faith, however, is more than just figuring things out. Faith is much deeper than merely knowing/believing that which is factual. We can be theologically correct, philosophically astute, logically sound and also fearful and overwhelmed.
There times when life is so ruthless that reciting a memorized catechism or glibly reading a string of promises leaves us still weak, lost and fearful. There is more to faith than a theological/teleological understanding that God cares for us and is at work for us. Faith becomes truly real only in a deeply intimate relationship with a personal God. A relationship that grows ever deeper and stronger in the storms of life.
John Wesley was a deeply earnest, well nigh unto obsessive, Anglican priest. His deepest desire was to be holy and obey God. As a young priest he made his way across the Atlantic Ocean to Georgia as a missionary to the Indians. Even as he sailed across the sea, he was preaching, teaching, praying and administering the sacraments to those on board. Every moment was devoted to seeking and serving God. He speaks of his daily schedule:
“We now began to be a little (are you kidding me?) regular. Our common way of living was this: - from four to five in the morning, each of us used private prayer. From five to seven we read the Bible together … at seven we breakfasted. At eight we were the public prayers. From nine to twelve I usually learned German … At twelve we met to give an account of one another what we had done since our last meeting and what we designed to do before our next …”
It goes on like that; lunch at one, 2pm reading to the passengers, 4pm evening prayers, 5pm private prayer, 6pm more reading with some passengers, 7pm German service, 8pm another meeting to check up on one another, 9-10pm sleep. And this was on a cruise ship! This guy really had faith i.e. he really believed God.
But it wasn’t long before the storm blew in and that obsessive compulsive religious cruise ship began to rock and roll! Wesley describes waves that … “rose to the heavens above and clave to hell beneath.” He was overwhelmed with fear and was … “ashamed of my unwillingness to die.” Asking himself, “How is it that thou art unwilling to die?” At the same time he observed the German Christians calmly singing a psalm through to entire storm.
Clearly, knowing and believing the right stuff was not enough when the storm threatened to turn his ship upside down. He confessed:
“I have a fair summer religion. I can talk well; nay and believe myself, while no danger is near: But let death look me in the face and my spirit is troubled.”
Without a warm, genuine, intimate, life changing relationship with God, Wesley was unable to face the storms of life that broke in upon him.
In his search for God Wesley speaks of going “very unwillingly” to a society on Alsdersgate Street where at about quarter to nine he felt his “heart strangely warmed.” He continues, “I felt I did trust in Christ, Christ alone for salvation: and an assurance was given me that he had taken away my sins, even mine and saved me from the law of sin and death.”
It is vital to have a clear assurance of the unshakeable, immoveable foundations stones of faith. No matter what our feelings, whatever the situation, nothing will change that: God is (a reality) … God is love (in nature) … and God is at work (through grace). But while a solid faith foundation is vital; a genuine, warm, personal relationship with God through his one and only Son is indispensible. Living our faith is less about what we believe and more about our relationship with God and how we respond to him in obedience..
Our faith in God is more than a tool needed to smooth out the bumps of life. It is by faith we come to know God. God is a God of revelation who wants to make himself known. In the harmony of nature, we see the nature of God. In Jesus Christ we see God seeking to restore a relationship with us as his children. In the beginning we see God walking and talking with Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The whole revelation of scripture is the account of God’s pursuing and pleading that we (as his creation) would return to an intimate relationship with Him. The innate longing of our heart, is the voice of God within, calling us to come to him as his children. He is seeking to live in union with us in the joy, pain, triumphs, and defeats of life.
Now it gets pointedly personal. Is your heart strangely warmed by the presence of God? I sort of believe in altar calls. Sort of … because I have seen preachers in my formative years harangue and manipulate guilt ridden Christians to walk to the front of the church as a validation of their oratory prowess. I believe in altar calls because; when God speaks it is good to respond.
The warmth of a genuine personal relationship with a benevolent God is your deepest need. A cold clinical faith system will not bring the strength and courage you need in the cataclysms of life. A sweet loving Jesus is adequate to get you by when they snicker at your born again profession. But when the storms really start to rattle and roll your ship on the sea of life; you will need the very presence of the all mighty God of the universe.
The good news of the gospel is that: God was in Christ reconciling the world unto him”. In the crises of life – live your faith – stay close to God. He truly does love you and in him you live and move and have your being. As the catechism says: “The chief end of man is love God and enjoy him forever”.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Don't Just Sit There
LIVE YOUR FAITH – Chapter Four
Don’t Just Sit There
My college years, the time span of 1968-1972, was the chronological epicenter of the Age of Aquarius. These were days of protest. We were protesting the Vietnam war, the hypocrisy of the previous generation, the legalism of our conservative denomination … and the list goes on and on. It was fun … even mostly sincere. During this time, our Dean of Students who was very popular among the students was suddenly removed from his position without explanation. The bad news was that he was removed … the good news was that it was a great legitimate opportunity to protest.
Something had to be done! The injustice which had been perpetrated on the masses by the monolithic establishment could not be tolerated! Do not trust anyone over thirty, was our mantra. And we knew for a fact that the Board of Trustees was infested with fossilized relics, some of whom had been tottering around this old earth for more than half a century.
The word was passed from conspirator to conspirator . . . the plan was to walk out of chapel in protest. The timing couldn’t have been better because the chapel speaker was the representative embodiment of our overly conservative denomination … the General Superintendant. His position topped the imperious, oppressive chain of command which had spawned the injustice we endured. The strategy was to walk out of chapel service as soon as the General Superintendant got up to speak.
The chapel that day was packed. Even those who had bribed their chapel checker, and didn’t need to attend, were there. At the appointed time, the sound of squeaking pews and shuffling feet spread across the chapel as most of the students made their way to the exits. Most students left, while some stayed.
The General Superintendant rose to address the smattering of students left and announced his topic of the day. “The title of my message is” … (pausing for effect) … “Don’t Just Sit There – Do Something!”
The temptation when the crises of life overwhelm us is to sit around and marinate in our misery. One of the indispensible elements in an “on purpose” faith response to the struggles that come our way … make a decision to keep on living … don’t just sit there, “Live Your Faith”.
Don’t Just Sit There
My college years, the time span of 1968-1972, was the chronological epicenter of the Age of Aquarius. These were days of protest. We were protesting the Vietnam war, the hypocrisy of the previous generation, the legalism of our conservative denomination … and the list goes on and on. It was fun … even mostly sincere. During this time, our Dean of Students who was very popular among the students was suddenly removed from his position without explanation. The bad news was that he was removed … the good news was that it was a great legitimate opportunity to protest.
Something had to be done! The injustice which had been perpetrated on the masses by the monolithic establishment could not be tolerated! Do not trust anyone over thirty, was our mantra. And we knew for a fact that the Board of Trustees was infested with fossilized relics, some of whom had been tottering around this old earth for more than half a century.
The word was passed from conspirator to conspirator . . . the plan was to walk out of chapel in protest. The timing couldn’t have been better because the chapel speaker was the representative embodiment of our overly conservative denomination … the General Superintendant. His position topped the imperious, oppressive chain of command which had spawned the injustice we endured. The strategy was to walk out of chapel service as soon as the General Superintendant got up to speak.
The chapel that day was packed. Even those who had bribed their chapel checker, and didn’t need to attend, were there. At the appointed time, the sound of squeaking pews and shuffling feet spread across the chapel as most of the students made their way to the exits. Most students left, while some stayed.
The General Superintendant rose to address the smattering of students left and announced his topic of the day. “The title of my message is” … (pausing for effect) … “Don’t Just Sit There – Do Something!”
The temptation when the crises of life overwhelm us is to sit around and marinate in our misery. One of the indispensible elements in an “on purpose” faith response to the struggles that come our way … make a decision to keep on living … don’t just sit there, “Live Your Faith”.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Accept the Feelings - Chapter Two
ACCEPT THE FEELINGS – Chapter Two
Praise the Lord !!
Old brother Demoranville was one of the saints of the church. I’m sure he had a first name but I never remember hearing it out loud. Whenever the church doors were open he would be there. Wednesday was prayer meeting night and as usual he was there. Prayer meeting was a time of singing, corporate prayer, as well as shared personal testimonies.
Brother Demonranville was a builder and apparently was building a shed in his back yard when he smashed his thumb with a hammer. He went into some detail describing his bruised, busted, bloody thumb and credited God’s grace for his saintly response. Jumping up and down in pain, holding his injured thumb, crying out Praise the Lord – Praise the Lord – Praise the Lord. I remember being duly impressed with such godliness and enjoyed the story greatly as well.
I have not nearly approached that level of sainthood. If I smash my thumb, I will be full of spiritual pride if I don’t say some of the words I shouldn’t. When life shakes you up, when bad news comes into your life, you will not feel good about the situation. And we shouldn’t feel good about bad news because, and I never use this expression but … DUH … bad news is BAD.
The Battle Plan
Look again at Joshua the warrior/now politician/priest/babysitter. God spoke to Joshua saying, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Why did God have to say to Joshua, this tough battle hardened veteran, don’t be terrified or discouraged? It had something to do with the fact that he felt terrified and discouraged ... he had to admit and accept the feelings. Joshua would have a deep sense of sorrow and loss. He was the general but Moses was the “commander in chief”, in an Israeli nomadic kind of way. As a military leader, Joshua understood that a soldier must keep his emotions under control in order to be effective. It was not routine for Joshua to face some new and difficult emotional challenges.
In the unexpected, painful, traumatic times of life the feelings of anger, fear, doubt, and despair can be overwhelming. The temptation is real to believe that because we are Christian … living by faith … trusting God … we should not have these kinds of feelings. The reality is that the emotions we would rather avoid are God’s gifts which draw us into a deeper understanding his grace-full working in our lives. In other words, we are able to experience more of God’s love and strength as we accept the help of his grace.
Accept the Feelings
The way of Christ is a way of great joy. There is within Christian circles, however, a combination of misconception and misrepresentation that produces a false appearance of joy, or at least linguistic and facial pleasantness. The misconception is that Christians never stop smiling. This distortion of reality is reinforced ... by the smiling Christians on television, the pastor who is always up every Sunday. (You should see the same pastor on Monday morning) and by the false application of scripture. So often Christians the burden of an unrealistic expectation that living their faith includes being strong and happy whatever life brings their way. The result is a façade that ensures that no one is allowed to see their broken heart. When there is death don=t deny the sorrow. When there's injustice don't pretend there is no anger. When you are weak don't pretend you are not discouraged. Be a real person.
The play acting happens on Sunday mornings in churches … a new act debuts each week. The marquee proclaims in lights: “I’m Ok … Your Ok … Don’t ask me any different”. Broken hearts are all camouflaged by “Sunday go to meeting clothes” and a hearty handshake. Christians are too busy to be real. Do we allow Christians in our fellowship to be sad? Do we allow them to go through times of fear without judging their spirituality? Perhaps a more personal questions is; do you allow yourself to be sad? Do you allow yourself to be fearful?
Accept the feelings. Feel the feelings. God gave you feelings to help identify areas of need in your life. If you Afeel@ tired, you need rest. If you Afeel@ sorrow, you need to mourn. If you Afeel@ lonely, you need a friend. Feelings are used of God as tools to bring healing and compassion. Henry Nouwen speaks of God’s working of grace in times of crisis:
Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds. (The Voice of Inner Love, 59-60)
Nouwen speaks of a faith-choice … we can become bitter in our pain … or we can stand straight in our pain. Bitterness is a decision not to love again. Faith is a decision to stand strong, trusting God and allowing the soil of our pain, sorrow, and loss to give life to new seeds of grace and serenity. The admonition of scripture calls us to a decision of faith to stand strong draw on the resources of God .
10. Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.11. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13.Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Feelings denied, repressed, or ignored become psycho-spiritual toxins that saturate every aspect of life. Unrecognized feelings of pain and trauma have a devastating effect on our relationship with God, relationships with others, as well as our interpersonal integrity and serenity. Don=t pretend. Pretending isolates the real you from those who can help and care for you. Maintaining a facade takes great resources that are needed for facing life head on.
In the days, months and years following my diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease, I experienced feelings and emotions with an intensity I had never known before. It just wasn’t like me to be so overwhelmed on the emotional level. I was/am the strong silent type, which if truth be told is closer to denial than strength. As I look back on my journal I am reminded of the impact of hurt, pain and sorrow on the feeling level.
The following is a journal entry, as I faced the reality, that soon I would no longer be the pastor of a local congregation. From time to time I would be teased about my notebooks, lists and charts in church leadership and planning. I found the lists etc. helpful even if my flock was rather bemused with the strategy.
September 8, 2004
I'm looking through a notebook of my lists, charts, and my bright ideas. I am slowly letting them all go. It begins to feel like mourning, losing so much of what I love so deeply. I don't love the lists. I do love the lives and the people and the “calling” all those lists and flailing efforts in ministry represent. Everything I am draws me to immerse myself in the work of God and in his people. But the thing I love the most brings such confusion and weariness. I'm so sad to think about losing my people. They're not really my people, they are God's people, but they are so entwined with my heart, and I have grown to lean upon them in my time of need. Tears would help. It's like the sorrow is too deep for tears. Tears are not my gift.
It was crucial to accept the reality of the emotional impact of devastating news. At times Christians act as though they are above the feelings of fear, loneliness and despair. We are made in the image of God and even Jesus himself knew fear, anger, frustration, loneliness …
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying” contributed a helpful, now familiar to most, model as a template in understanding the emotions of those facing death or loss. The five stages of grief model:
Denial - A conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts which insulates a person from the impact of a traumatic experience,
Anger - Feelings of wanting to strike out at any responsible for personal pain. This can include people, circumstances, fate, God etc.
Bargaining - Attempts to make a deal with God or compromise to resolve a negative, hurtful, or unfair situation.
Depression - Feelings of sadness, regret, fear, uncertainty etc.
Acceptance - Finding a peace about the pain of life along with some understanding of how to face personal pain and difficulties.
It is not my purpose to delve too deeply into the sociology/psychology of Elisabeth Kubler Ross but her model is helpful to us. The Kubler-Ross model was never presented as a linear step by step method of coping but rather a framework for helping those facing the difficult realities of life and death. Her point was that there is no five step program for getting the mourning out of the way and check if off your list. When life hits you hard, it is likely that you would experience some, or all of these aspects of adjustments/feelings and understanding them is helpful.
It bears repeating, and I will repeat often, that the chapters of this book:
FACE THE FACTS
ACCEPT THE FEELINGS
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
LIVE YOUR FAITH
TRUST YOUR FUTURE TO GOD
are not a linear step by step procedure. They are not steps as much as “aspects” of dealing with the hurt of life. I needed to come back again and again to face the facts that I had Parkinson’s Disease and needed to decide to face the reality of the whole thing. . I still get afraid for the future and need to decide to trust my future to a loving personal God. My goal is to present, not a process, but perhaps a play book, to use a football analogy, giving options with which we can respond by faith. These five aspects are “faith options” . . . decisions to be made in times that are overwhelming and stressful.
When the unexpected strikes, there will be feelings that are so intense they threaten to cripple any attempts at responding with faith.
Sorrow and Loss
As I mentioned, I am not prone to over-emotionalism. Partly I was reacting to growing up in a church that at times was more than a little emotional and manipulative. Mostly, however, I was raised in New England and tend to be somewhat introverted by nature. I had rarely cried and do not remember ever having a good old fashioned sobbing “cry”.
I was preaching to the chairs in the sanctuary of the church where I was the pastor. This was part of my weekly sermon preparation and they were great chairs … attentive chairs … never criticized. Basically I would try to listen to the sermon and if I was too bored myself maybe make some changes.
All of a sudden it struck me that “it was all over”. I began to weep, as I never had before. I had been trying so hard to continue in ministry. Sunday morning I would preach in the 8:30 am service, sleep during Sunday School, then preach in the 11 am service. At times the youth pastor would take over in the second service while I napped for 8 minutes before preaching. Continuing on was not an option.
We had been in our church for 14 years, our kids had grown up there, the church was healthy, I was healthy … it was home. The call to pastoral ministry had never faded. Never once did I wake up on the infamous clergy “Monday morning” and thought … “I’m ready to quit”. But all that was over. . I would never be a pastor again. I would never preach again. I may have to leave my church family. So much of what I loved was gone. It was all over. For three hours I wept and wept … mourning the loss … crying out to God.
Don’t be afraid of tears, they are a gift from God. I needed to feel those feelings. The inner pain, stress, and struggle needed to come out. The tears were healing tears. There was a peace and acceptance that came with the tears. When life and circumstances seem to conspire against us we need to deal with the emotions that will inevitably be part of a response of faith.
Anger
Anger is an emotion that many Christians struggle with. Gimme that old time religion, the old song says … makes me love everybody. When blind-sided by tragedy, when a trust is betrayed, when people strike out in cruelty … it doesn’t make me feel like loving everybody. Christians at times feel like they are something less than spiritual when they experience anger and frustration.
I felt somewhat less than spiritual as I faced my nemesis of PD. I was puzzled and upset ... OK angry. Why would God allow a faithful pastor, wannabe athlete, humorous, very bright, and extremely humble to get Parkinson=s disease? It doesn’t make sense. It certainly wasn=t my idea. What possible good can come from an early retirement in the prime of my life? Just when I was able run circles around those old guys at the alumni basketball game.
I didn’t really understand what God was doing but didn’t really go too far down the “angry with God” road. Perhaps I believed in the benevolent nature of a personal God after all. Past observation made it clear to me that God didn’t rely on me to spell check his omnipotent, omniscient, infinite plans and workings. We will later deal with doubting and questioning of God. The target for my anger was more the disease than God … fate … luck or whatever. I projected a persona on my disease … the bad breathed salesman. Following a few journal entries:
April 24, 2003
The challenge comes when I go to sleep and wake up with the stiffness and discomfort of a disease that pushes it’s way into my life. The disease rudely butts into my schedule, like an annoying salesman with bad breath ... like that dysfunctional person you avoid but they show up in your bedroom at 4:30 AM. What do you do with a bothersome guest trespassing in your life? No matter how rude I am with this intruder ... Always there. See what happens? The challenges and hurt of life will break in and pollute your thoughts and take your soul.
April 26, 2003
It's five o'clock in the morning, and I can smell the bad breath. It's that salesman again. He's handing out free samples of achy stiffness. It seems to shake me up more each day.
May 12, 2003
I have hung up on the salesman, told him I'm not interested . . . that his mother wears army boots ... he just doesn't quit. I took the phone off the hook last night, but he pushed his way in again. Nothing real extreme, just enough to torment. Pins and needles, nagging pains, stiffness, just enough to take away my sleep. He is selling mind altering drugs tonight. I'm not buying, but somehow I can't say no to his offer of loneliness and fear. Loneliness seems to be a recurring theme. Getting rid of the salesman will take more than rudeness. I need to go to battle with the help of God, and all the resources he has provided.
May 28, 2003
Here he comes again. You know it’s halitosis Harry the salesman... his teeth are crooked... he dresses funny... his mother wears army boots... but he is persistent and he always seems to sell some of his merchandise. It’s almost like I can’t resist and the list seems to get longer each time he visits.
I was sick and tired of that salesman and all that he was selling. Things in life that we are unable to change … things that are unfair … painful … frustrating … can destroy our faith and pollute our lives with a self absorbed petulance that expresses itself in anger. Again, my purpose is not an in depth study of the nature, source, and response to anger but rather to emphasize the importance of accepting the feelings that are a natural human reality in times of crisis. Feelings are real. We need to deal with them.
The serenity prayer is about the best initial response in times of anger and frustration:
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Confusion
I have always tried (maybe even prided myself ?) in thinking well and planning ahead. The commitment to serving, leading and ministry was strengthened by a sense of knowing what I was doing and why I was doing it. Time spent seeking a personal vision from God, followed by thinking and planning as to how this vision could be implemented was perhaps my most important focus as a pastor. This vision was then modified/clarified in tandem with the local leadership with the goal of sharing a vision to implement together. A shared vision was foundational to any pastoral authority I might exercise.
As my disease progressed it became more and more difficult to think well enough or clearly enough to offer effective leadership to my church. The focus more and more was upon survival rather than mission. Disability and resignation/retirement reared it’s ugly head. As if the inability to think clearly wasn’t bad enough; I was required to provide documentation to receive official certification of my dim witted-ness from Social Security.
As I look back over some of the documents, there is my wife Brenda required to bear witness to … “an increased insecurity in Ken’s ministry and confidence in interfacing with people … he has cut down his work schedule, trying to work productively for 1-2 hours a day … in his productive time he is not able to field three questions asked in a row … the physical symptoms are a factor in Ken’s inability to work but the most distressing are those that affect his mind, and his ability to do simple tasks that were once so easily accomplished.”
It is still very difficult to accept the cognitive limitations. Another journal entry:
October 23, 2004
I've seen God use lots of nut cases in amazing ways. I am praying that if my brains are scrambled, that Jesus would shine through anyway. People have loved us so much. I don't want to disappoint them. But it is tearing me apart to try to lead and be unable to do so. Perhaps it is time for all of us to release what is to God's care. I am not ready to be different than I am.
A great quote from devotional writer Bertha Munro; in Christ we can face life … “not somehow but triumphantly”. I do believe that but along with the yin of spiritual triumph I have known the yan of getting through … not triumphantly but somehow.
Loneliness
I really am a nice guy. I like people. I enjoy fellowship. But I enjoy the alone times as well. There has been the occasional attack of home sickness … in seminary in Kansas City, dying to turn onto I-70 homeward bound to the east instead of west … following a car with a Massachusetts license plate in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan Canada to a bar where a traveling rock band was playing. But for the mostly I have been OK with alone time.
Loneliness was a new experience for me. Loneliness will necessarily be a part of any crisis situation. In a certain sense there are aspects of sorrow, abuse, fear, anguish that will be faced alone with God. Journal entry:
November 3, 2004
I have been more loved and cared for than ever before ... And more lonely than ever before. God is so good, because of his love and grace he is there in the lonely times. I look into the eyes of those I love and I can see how much they want to enter into the lonely room with me but there's only room for one. We sent our kids off to kindergarten with tears and they got on the bus alone. I’m not sure I want to stay on this bus.
I am alone. What is it about being alone. There is some kind of insecurity thing happening here. To remember at Camp Idlewild, a beautiful island on a New Hampshire lake. It might have been my first year camp. I cried myself to sleep. My dad was Chaplain, he was close by. My big brother, the protector no one messed with, was there to teach me the ropes. I knew I was okay. But everything around was unfamiliar and I was lonely for the security of familiar surroundings.
Many things around me now are unfamiliar. I don=t move the same, feel the same, or speak the same. My mind strays away from the familiar pattern of logical analysis and intentional response. Brenda and I have a marriage with which we are unfamiliar. We are not used to the dependency that is now part of my life on the feeling level. It boggles my mind to face an unfamiliar role in my church. I am alone, surrounded by the unfamiliar.
It’s important to understand that in our time of crisis people will not really “get” what we are going through. Whatever the situation:
… Overwhelmed, sleepless, fearful, exhausted with a new born infant … the laughing response; this is the easy part wait until they are teenagers
… Ripped apart having to accept disability … what in the world do you do with all your time?
… Betrayed by a spouse … don’t worry time heals.
… My mind is so confused sometimes … I am exactly the same way
These responses to your crisis are loving, caring, and thoughtless. People really do care but they don’t know what to say. Often people will say nothing when faced with the crisis of another. They just don’t know what to say. Much of our personal pain and trauma is faced alone. Decide ahead of time to be kind with people who don’t “get” it. For the most part they mean no harm. Henri Nouwen speaks of this lonliness:
(feel/count) Much of our isolation is self-chosen. We do not like to be dependant on others and, whenever possible, we try to show ourselves that we are in control of the situation and can make our own decisions. This self-reliance has many attractions. It gives us a sense of power, it allows us to move quickly, it offers us the satisfaction of being our own boss, and it promises many rewards and prizes. However, the underside of self-reliance is loneliness, isolation, and the constant fear of not making it in life. (Here and Now, 42) Pg. 95
Inadequacy (may expand this)
January 12, 2003
I am used to having $100 of time, energy, and insight. But I have about a $1.39. It all belongs to God, but sometimes I feel like I am out in the wilderness rationing a c cup of water to get through the day.
I may not have as much to spend these days, but God=s grace brings peace, comfort, and wisdom. I am thankful for all those God has sent to be alongside me. So that maybe, together we will be investing $1000 a day into the Kingdom. Even my hundred dollars a day would go as far as $1000. Lord would you take my dollar 39 and turn it into couple thousand dollars today?
Depression
My regular neurologist appointment was scheduled every three months in Manhattan. My neurologist kept telling me, he thought I was depressed. To be totally honest, he didn’t think I was depressed, he said that I was depressed. For several months my response was, “No I’m not”. He didn’t understand that my understated and boring demeanor was all part of the mix of characteristics of my unique and special persona. It was one of the endearing qualities that makes me … me. I tend toward deadpan humor … boring has served me well. If I did feel down I could always read the Psalms, pray, go catch a fish, or eat a hot fudge sundae. I knew how to handle the low times.
For several appointments we did the “are to” … “am not” … “are to” … “am not” routine after which he prescribed a pill. I did not like taking another pill, especially for depression. There just seems to be something self focused, self serving, and weak about feeling mopey, which is a clinical term even if my spell check doesn’t recognize it. I didn’t know which was worse, being depressed or having to take a pill for depression. The whole thing was depressing! Looking back at my journal entries it is clear struggle with depression is an ongoing process:
May 25, 2002
It=s three o=clock in the morning again. The depression pills are working well because I=m pretty depressed. It looks like the second evil purple pill complicates my sleeping patterns with its contribution of insomnia. However, my body got used to the first pill so it will get used to the toxicity of the second pill as well. Hopefully the others 18 pills will cooperate in helping me and toward one of the more basic goals... survival.
The fact remains that 33 to 35 million struggle with depression in the U.S. The World Health Organization estimates that over 121 million suffer from depressive symptoms worldwide. To a certain degree (in certain ways … in one way), feelings of depression are a natural response to injury, hurt and pain …remember the “bad news feels bad” principle? Depression.com (why do I find Depression.com amusing?) lists causes of depression as: genetics, trauma, negativity, physical disease and mental illness. Repressed anger as well is often an underlying origin of clinical depression. More than we'd like to admit, anger and depression are often related. Dr. Paul Meier of Meier Clinics once reported that approximately 15,000 Americans come in one week to the Minirth Meier Clinics for insight-oriented therapy. Of all the depression cases, he finds that 95% are depressed due to repressed anger toward an abuser or toward oneself. We will look at the art/struggle of anger/forgiveness in the Live Your Faith chapter.
There are practical life style responses to depression including:
Exercise. Regular exercise provides natural, mood lifting chemical changes in your body. You don’t have to train for a marathon; even a short walk every day will help.
Nutrition. Eating a regular, balanced diet is important for both your physical and mental health.
Sleep. Poor sleep has a strong effect on mood. Make getting the right amount of sleep for you a priority. I also swallowed my pride and take a sleeping pill.
Social Support. Strong social networks reduce isolation, a key risk factor for depression. Keep in regular contact with friends and family, or consider joining a class or group. Volunteering is a wonderful way to get social support and help others while also helping yourself.
Stress Reduction. Make changes in your life to help manage and reduce stress. Too much stress exacerbates depression and puts you at risk for future depression.
Medication. Don’t feel guilty about medication. Half of all Parkinson’s patients deal with depression. Regardless of the root causes of depression there are actual brain changes including the reduction of serotonin and dopamine. If medication is a help, thank God and take your meds.
Again my purpose is not a clinical study of stress, trauma, depression etc. But rather to emphasize that when life shakes us up, feelings happen. These feelings need to be recognized, addressed, and accepted as an unavoidable and maybe even indispensible part of struggling with troubling turbulent real life experiences.
Doubt
Doubt is the feeling … faith is the choice
“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed”, Jesus says, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 Why is that less than encouraging to most of us? How many reading this book have tossed mountains around? What’s more, mountain tossing doesn’t even take very much faith … only as much as an itty bitty seed. Does that make you feel like a spiritual pygmy? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .)
And to top it all off, we aren’t even allowed to doubt. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him”. Mark 11:23 NIV.
And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith. Matthew 13:58 NIV
"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. Mark 10:52
We want to have faith … we want to believe … but the doubt just won’t go away. How can a God of love allow such pain, struggle, and tragedy? I certainly don’t feel God. I don’t understand.
Perhaps it is worth taking a quick look at God’s response to doubters. Job was the perfect man. He was stricken with unspeakable pain and tragedy. He had more than a few doubts as he challenged God saying basically, what in the world are you doing. God’s first response was patience. He listened to Job’s complaint. The almighty infinite God, sitting down with a rancher (if you will excuse the anthropomorphism) to listen to what he had to say.
There were some things that Job just didn’t get … so God responded with a litany questions for Job, the first of which is Job 38:4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Job 38:4-6 Job response? 42:3 … Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. Job was reminded that God is God and there and there are some things too awesome and wonderful for him to fully understand. The fact remains that doubt will happen. There will be aspects of our suffering that we will not fully understand.
The first things we did upon receiving the diagnosis of Parkinson’s was to pray for divine healing. As Christians, we believe in divine healing. The instruction in James is for those who are sick to … call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. James 5:14 I have been blessed beyond measure by those who have prayed for my healing. It is one of the many blessings I would not have known if the “bad breathed salesman” had not knocked on my door.
It was perhaps the most humbling, praiseful, thankful day of my Christian life. Several of my fellow pastors in the Metro New York City had come together; gathering their leaders to pray for my healing. They traveled 45 minutes up to an hour and a half to my suburban church north of the New York City in the beautiful Hudson valley. I was overwhelmed as 75+ made their way on a Sunday afternoon to join the people in my local church family to pray for healing. I was basically blown away by all the love and care and attention.
We assembled in the sanctuary and began to pray … and there was faith in that room! For an hour and a half the prayers of faith were offered to a loving personal God. The diversity was a joy to behold as Asian, Hispanic, Caribbean, and Caucasian brothers and sisters prayed and praised together. There was a fair amount of bad “name it … claim it” type theology bandied about that day. But there was no lack of faith. There were 150 in one room agreeing together.
I was not healed. What‘s with that? We had met the “requirements”. There certainly must have been at least a mustard seed’s worth of faith among such an earnest group. There had to be at least a few men or women righteous enough to qualify as that righteous one whose prayer … “availeth much”. KJV In my struggles with the “whys” of my particular condition; there are three spiritual realities that have helped me.
The first reality… God is God. It takes little faith to believe that God is. Even those who claim no particular faith recognize there is an “otherness”. There is some kind of order that is somehow at the core of existence. Through our senses we observe a few miraculous stunning mind boggling events in our lives and in our universe. Even the observations of the infinitesimal speck of creation/eternity within our awareness leads us to know that God is. There is something out there … meaning above us … over us … all transcendent
Intuitively our souls reach out for that something more. September 11, 2002 was an unforgettable day of mayhem and tragedy. Living close to New York City brought the reality literally just next door. All around the world, the images flashed with the immediate instinctive response … Oh God!!! We are created in the image of God with a natural inclination toward Him.
God is God … which means we don’t have to do the job. The position is filled. There are no layoffs in sight. As Christians our faith is built upon Jesus as the perfect revelation of the creator God. “if you have seen me you have seen the Father, Jesus said. I’m not quite sure how heretical it is … but somehow I think that Jesus might have left out a few things. He skipped the quantum physics classes to fully explain creation. Just exactly how did God sit down at His work bench and come up with my granddaughter’s amazing blue eyes. Did God really keep count when he scattered the stars that bear testimony to my place in the universe?
God is God … that helps me … He is in charge … deal with it.
The second reality … God is love. Here is where faith comes in. Jesus understood the incapacity of humanity to comprehend the totality of the infinity of God. Jesus came not to reveal all the mysteries of God but rather to reveal His character. In this He held nothing back. Jesus came, giving His life away. He came to love his creation, literally, to death. God, in Christ, comes all the way down to share the joy, fear, frustration of humanity. He understands the lostness of alienation from the Father. God reaches out to us.
Faith is not the ability to know everything but rather it is establishing those things which are solid, upon which a life is built. In times of doubt the response of faith is to re-confirm the reality that; God loved the world so much that He sent Jesus, His one and only son. He reminds us and brings an inner confirmation of the loving nature of God. God is love. God is for us.
Thirdly … God is at work. How often do we hear the mantra, “God is in control”? The fact remains that God is not always in control of every occasion and situation in our world. The Holocaust was not the expression of God’s divine plan. Each individual can decide to rebel over God’s control. The foundational principle is not as much God is in control as much as “God is at work”.
Romans 8:28, is a scripture verse that can be glibly quoted in a “don’t worry God is in charge” kind of way”. I don’t want to hear that God is the Willy Wonka man upstairs, doling out personal miseries upon His creation. I kind of want the man upstairs jolly Santa-like, let me tell you a story kind of God.
Again, I don’t understand all about the meaning and purpose of pain and suffering but I do know that we all get it. At this point my faith in God through Christ is that his character is love and that he is at work for our benefit. When I am weak, God is at work bringing inner strength. When I am fearful, God is at work brings comfort.
These three principles … God is … God is love … God is at work … these are the three interlocking foundation stones of faith. God is God … a foundation stone established by reason, observation, and revelation. God is love … is a leap of faith that Jesus Christ, is the son of God and that he does indeed reveal to us the character of God. God is at work … is a foundation stone established by the revelation of scripture, history, and personal experience. Jesus Christ, the son of God is the center and cap stone supported by the other two tenets of faith.
We will re-visit some of these issues in chapter four, Live Your Faith. The principle is that in order to live out faith we must have a foundation that is not easily shaken., they Although feelings of doubt are part of our humanity they are not the basis upon which we make decisions for life.
We will never know all things
but we must establish those things upon which we base our decisions and actions of life.
Not one of us is exempt from the storm clouds of life. The good news is that we can live out a practical, and yes, even victorious life, as we make faith decisions. By faith, with the help of God, in relationship with him … Face the Facts then Accept the Feelings … of fear, and doubt, anger and frustration knowing that a loving creator God is at work in our behalf.
It is vital that we grow up and face reality and accept that things are not always good, fair, or pleasant. But there is more than just a negative resolve to tough it out. Along the way we need to count our blessings.
Praise the Lord !!
Old brother Demoranville was one of the saints of the church. I’m sure he had a first name but I never remember hearing it out loud. Whenever the church doors were open he would be there. Wednesday was prayer meeting night and as usual he was there. Prayer meeting was a time of singing, corporate prayer, as well as shared personal testimonies.
Brother Demonranville was a builder and apparently was building a shed in his back yard when he smashed his thumb with a hammer. He went into some detail describing his bruised, busted, bloody thumb and credited God’s grace for his saintly response. Jumping up and down in pain, holding his injured thumb, crying out Praise the Lord – Praise the Lord – Praise the Lord. I remember being duly impressed with such godliness and enjoyed the story greatly as well.
I have not nearly approached that level of sainthood. If I smash my thumb, I will be full of spiritual pride if I don’t say some of the words I shouldn’t. When life shakes you up, when bad news comes into your life, you will not feel good about the situation. And we shouldn’t feel good about bad news because, and I never use this expression but … DUH … bad news is BAD.
The Battle Plan
Look again at Joshua the warrior/now politician/priest/babysitter. God spoke to Joshua saying, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."
Why did God have to say to Joshua, this tough battle hardened veteran, don’t be terrified or discouraged? It had something to do with the fact that he felt terrified and discouraged ... he had to admit and accept the feelings. Joshua would have a deep sense of sorrow and loss. He was the general but Moses was the “commander in chief”, in an Israeli nomadic kind of way. As a military leader, Joshua understood that a soldier must keep his emotions under control in order to be effective. It was not routine for Joshua to face some new and difficult emotional challenges.
In the unexpected, painful, traumatic times of life the feelings of anger, fear, doubt, and despair can be overwhelming. The temptation is real to believe that because we are Christian … living by faith … trusting God … we should not have these kinds of feelings. The reality is that the emotions we would rather avoid are God’s gifts which draw us into a deeper understanding his grace-full working in our lives. In other words, we are able to experience more of God’s love and strength as we accept the help of his grace.
Accept the Feelings
The way of Christ is a way of great joy. There is within Christian circles, however, a combination of misconception and misrepresentation that produces a false appearance of joy, or at least linguistic and facial pleasantness. The misconception is that Christians never stop smiling. This distortion of reality is reinforced ... by the smiling Christians on television, the pastor who is always up every Sunday. (You should see the same pastor on Monday morning) and by the false application of scripture. So often Christians the burden of an unrealistic expectation that living their faith includes being strong and happy whatever life brings their way. The result is a façade that ensures that no one is allowed to see their broken heart. When there is death don=t deny the sorrow. When there's injustice don't pretend there is no anger. When you are weak don't pretend you are not discouraged. Be a real person.
The play acting happens on Sunday mornings in churches … a new act debuts each week. The marquee proclaims in lights: “I’m Ok … Your Ok … Don’t ask me any different”. Broken hearts are all camouflaged by “Sunday go to meeting clothes” and a hearty handshake. Christians are too busy to be real. Do we allow Christians in our fellowship to be sad? Do we allow them to go through times of fear without judging their spirituality? Perhaps a more personal questions is; do you allow yourself to be sad? Do you allow yourself to be fearful?
Accept the feelings. Feel the feelings. God gave you feelings to help identify areas of need in your life. If you Afeel@ tired, you need rest. If you Afeel@ sorrow, you need to mourn. If you Afeel@ lonely, you need a friend. Feelings are used of God as tools to bring healing and compassion. Henry Nouwen speaks of God’s working of grace in times of crisis:
Every time you experience the pain of rejection, absence, or death, you are faced with a choice. You can become bitter and decide not to love again, or you can stand straight in your pain and let the soil on which you stand become richer and more able to give life to new seeds. (The Voice of Inner Love, 59-60)
Nouwen speaks of a faith-choice … we can become bitter in our pain … or we can stand straight in our pain. Bitterness is a decision not to love again. Faith is a decision to stand strong, trusting God and allowing the soil of our pain, sorrow, and loss to give life to new seeds of grace and serenity. The admonition of scripture calls us to a decision of faith to stand strong draw on the resources of God .
10. Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.11. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.13.Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Feelings denied, repressed, or ignored become psycho-spiritual toxins that saturate every aspect of life. Unrecognized feelings of pain and trauma have a devastating effect on our relationship with God, relationships with others, as well as our interpersonal integrity and serenity. Don=t pretend. Pretending isolates the real you from those who can help and care for you. Maintaining a facade takes great resources that are needed for facing life head on.
In the days, months and years following my diagnosis of Parkinson’s Disease, I experienced feelings and emotions with an intensity I had never known before. It just wasn’t like me to be so overwhelmed on the emotional level. I was/am the strong silent type, which if truth be told is closer to denial than strength. As I look back on my journal I am reminded of the impact of hurt, pain and sorrow on the feeling level.
The following is a journal entry, as I faced the reality, that soon I would no longer be the pastor of a local congregation. From time to time I would be teased about my notebooks, lists and charts in church leadership and planning. I found the lists etc. helpful even if my flock was rather bemused with the strategy.
September 8, 2004
I'm looking through a notebook of my lists, charts, and my bright ideas. I am slowly letting them all go. It begins to feel like mourning, losing so much of what I love so deeply. I don't love the lists. I do love the lives and the people and the “calling” all those lists and flailing efforts in ministry represent. Everything I am draws me to immerse myself in the work of God and in his people. But the thing I love the most brings such confusion and weariness. I'm so sad to think about losing my people. They're not really my people, they are God's people, but they are so entwined with my heart, and I have grown to lean upon them in my time of need. Tears would help. It's like the sorrow is too deep for tears. Tears are not my gift.
It was crucial to accept the reality of the emotional impact of devastating news. At times Christians act as though they are above the feelings of fear, loneliness and despair. We are made in the image of God and even Jesus himself knew fear, anger, frustration, loneliness …
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in her book “On Death and Dying” contributed a helpful, now familiar to most, model as a template in understanding the emotions of those facing death or loss. The five stages of grief model:
Denial - A conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts which insulates a person from the impact of a traumatic experience,
Anger - Feelings of wanting to strike out at any responsible for personal pain. This can include people, circumstances, fate, God etc.
Bargaining - Attempts to make a deal with God or compromise to resolve a negative, hurtful, or unfair situation.
Depression - Feelings of sadness, regret, fear, uncertainty etc.
Acceptance - Finding a peace about the pain of life along with some understanding of how to face personal pain and difficulties.
It is not my purpose to delve too deeply into the sociology/psychology of Elisabeth Kubler Ross but her model is helpful to us. The Kubler-Ross model was never presented as a linear step by step method of coping but rather a framework for helping those facing the difficult realities of life and death. Her point was that there is no five step program for getting the mourning out of the way and check if off your list. When life hits you hard, it is likely that you would experience some, or all of these aspects of adjustments/feelings and understanding them is helpful.
It bears repeating, and I will repeat often, that the chapters of this book:
FACE THE FACTS
ACCEPT THE FEELINGS
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS
LIVE YOUR FAITH
TRUST YOUR FUTURE TO GOD
are not a linear step by step procedure. They are not steps as much as “aspects” of dealing with the hurt of life. I needed to come back again and again to face the facts that I had Parkinson’s Disease and needed to decide to face the reality of the whole thing. . I still get afraid for the future and need to decide to trust my future to a loving personal God. My goal is to present, not a process, but perhaps a play book, to use a football analogy, giving options with which we can respond by faith. These five aspects are “faith options” . . . decisions to be made in times that are overwhelming and stressful.
When the unexpected strikes, there will be feelings that are so intense they threaten to cripple any attempts at responding with faith.
Sorrow and Loss
As I mentioned, I am not prone to over-emotionalism. Partly I was reacting to growing up in a church that at times was more than a little emotional and manipulative. Mostly, however, I was raised in New England and tend to be somewhat introverted by nature. I had rarely cried and do not remember ever having a good old fashioned sobbing “cry”.
I was preaching to the chairs in the sanctuary of the church where I was the pastor. This was part of my weekly sermon preparation and they were great chairs … attentive chairs … never criticized. Basically I would try to listen to the sermon and if I was too bored myself maybe make some changes.
All of a sudden it struck me that “it was all over”. I began to weep, as I never had before. I had been trying so hard to continue in ministry. Sunday morning I would preach in the 8:30 am service, sleep during Sunday School, then preach in the 11 am service. At times the youth pastor would take over in the second service while I napped for 8 minutes before preaching. Continuing on was not an option.
We had been in our church for 14 years, our kids had grown up there, the church was healthy, I was healthy … it was home. The call to pastoral ministry had never faded. Never once did I wake up on the infamous clergy “Monday morning” and thought … “I’m ready to quit”. But all that was over. . I would never be a pastor again. I would never preach again. I may have to leave my church family. So much of what I loved was gone. It was all over. For three hours I wept and wept … mourning the loss … crying out to God.
Don’t be afraid of tears, they are a gift from God. I needed to feel those feelings. The inner pain, stress, and struggle needed to come out. The tears were healing tears. There was a peace and acceptance that came with the tears. When life and circumstances seem to conspire against us we need to deal with the emotions that will inevitably be part of a response of faith.
Anger
Anger is an emotion that many Christians struggle with. Gimme that old time religion, the old song says … makes me love everybody. When blind-sided by tragedy, when a trust is betrayed, when people strike out in cruelty … it doesn’t make me feel like loving everybody. Christians at times feel like they are something less than spiritual when they experience anger and frustration.
I felt somewhat less than spiritual as I faced my nemesis of PD. I was puzzled and upset ... OK angry. Why would God allow a faithful pastor, wannabe athlete, humorous, very bright, and extremely humble to get Parkinson=s disease? It doesn’t make sense. It certainly wasn=t my idea. What possible good can come from an early retirement in the prime of my life? Just when I was able run circles around those old guys at the alumni basketball game.
I didn’t really understand what God was doing but didn’t really go too far down the “angry with God” road. Perhaps I believed in the benevolent nature of a personal God after all. Past observation made it clear to me that God didn’t rely on me to spell check his omnipotent, omniscient, infinite plans and workings. We will later deal with doubting and questioning of God. The target for my anger was more the disease than God … fate … luck or whatever. I projected a persona on my disease … the bad breathed salesman. Following a few journal entries:
April 24, 2003
The challenge comes when I go to sleep and wake up with the stiffness and discomfort of a disease that pushes it’s way into my life. The disease rudely butts into my schedule, like an annoying salesman with bad breath ... like that dysfunctional person you avoid but they show up in your bedroom at 4:30 AM. What do you do with a bothersome guest trespassing in your life? No matter how rude I am with this intruder ... Always there. See what happens? The challenges and hurt of life will break in and pollute your thoughts and take your soul.
April 26, 2003
It's five o'clock in the morning, and I can smell the bad breath. It's that salesman again. He's handing out free samples of achy stiffness. It seems to shake me up more each day.
May 12, 2003
I have hung up on the salesman, told him I'm not interested . . . that his mother wears army boots ... he just doesn't quit. I took the phone off the hook last night, but he pushed his way in again. Nothing real extreme, just enough to torment. Pins and needles, nagging pains, stiffness, just enough to take away my sleep. He is selling mind altering drugs tonight. I'm not buying, but somehow I can't say no to his offer of loneliness and fear. Loneliness seems to be a recurring theme. Getting rid of the salesman will take more than rudeness. I need to go to battle with the help of God, and all the resources he has provided.
May 28, 2003
Here he comes again. You know it’s halitosis Harry the salesman... his teeth are crooked... he dresses funny... his mother wears army boots... but he is persistent and he always seems to sell some of his merchandise. It’s almost like I can’t resist and the list seems to get longer each time he visits.
I was sick and tired of that salesman and all that he was selling. Things in life that we are unable to change … things that are unfair … painful … frustrating … can destroy our faith and pollute our lives with a self absorbed petulance that expresses itself in anger. Again, my purpose is not an in depth study of the nature, source, and response to anger but rather to emphasize the importance of accepting the feelings that are a natural human reality in times of crisis. Feelings are real. We need to deal with them.
The serenity prayer is about the best initial response in times of anger and frustration:
God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
The Courage to change the things I can;
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Confusion
I have always tried (maybe even prided myself ?) in thinking well and planning ahead. The commitment to serving, leading and ministry was strengthened by a sense of knowing what I was doing and why I was doing it. Time spent seeking a personal vision from God, followed by thinking and planning as to how this vision could be implemented was perhaps my most important focus as a pastor. This vision was then modified/clarified in tandem with the local leadership with the goal of sharing a vision to implement together. A shared vision was foundational to any pastoral authority I might exercise.
As my disease progressed it became more and more difficult to think well enough or clearly enough to offer effective leadership to my church. The focus more and more was upon survival rather than mission. Disability and resignation/retirement reared it’s ugly head. As if the inability to think clearly wasn’t bad enough; I was required to provide documentation to receive official certification of my dim witted-ness from Social Security.
As I look back over some of the documents, there is my wife Brenda required to bear witness to … “an increased insecurity in Ken’s ministry and confidence in interfacing with people … he has cut down his work schedule, trying to work productively for 1-2 hours a day … in his productive time he is not able to field three questions asked in a row … the physical symptoms are a factor in Ken’s inability to work but the most distressing are those that affect his mind, and his ability to do simple tasks that were once so easily accomplished.”
It is still very difficult to accept the cognitive limitations. Another journal entry:
October 23, 2004
I've seen God use lots of nut cases in amazing ways. I am praying that if my brains are scrambled, that Jesus would shine through anyway. People have loved us so much. I don't want to disappoint them. But it is tearing me apart to try to lead and be unable to do so. Perhaps it is time for all of us to release what is to God's care. I am not ready to be different than I am.
A great quote from devotional writer Bertha Munro; in Christ we can face life … “not somehow but triumphantly”. I do believe that but along with the yin of spiritual triumph I have known the yan of getting through … not triumphantly but somehow.
Loneliness
I really am a nice guy. I like people. I enjoy fellowship. But I enjoy the alone times as well. There has been the occasional attack of home sickness … in seminary in Kansas City, dying to turn onto I-70 homeward bound to the east instead of west … following a car with a Massachusetts license plate in Prince Albert, Saskatchewan Canada to a bar where a traveling rock band was playing. But for the mostly I have been OK with alone time.
Loneliness was a new experience for me. Loneliness will necessarily be a part of any crisis situation. In a certain sense there are aspects of sorrow, abuse, fear, anguish that will be faced alone with God. Journal entry:
November 3, 2004
I have been more loved and cared for than ever before ... And more lonely than ever before. God is so good, because of his love and grace he is there in the lonely times. I look into the eyes of those I love and I can see how much they want to enter into the lonely room with me but there's only room for one. We sent our kids off to kindergarten with tears and they got on the bus alone. I’m not sure I want to stay on this bus.
I am alone. What is it about being alone. There is some kind of insecurity thing happening here. To remember at Camp Idlewild, a beautiful island on a New Hampshire lake. It might have been my first year camp. I cried myself to sleep. My dad was Chaplain, he was close by. My big brother, the protector no one messed with, was there to teach me the ropes. I knew I was okay. But everything around was unfamiliar and I was lonely for the security of familiar surroundings.
Many things around me now are unfamiliar. I don=t move the same, feel the same, or speak the same. My mind strays away from the familiar pattern of logical analysis and intentional response. Brenda and I have a marriage with which we are unfamiliar. We are not used to the dependency that is now part of my life on the feeling level. It boggles my mind to face an unfamiliar role in my church. I am alone, surrounded by the unfamiliar.
It’s important to understand that in our time of crisis people will not really “get” what we are going through. Whatever the situation:
… Overwhelmed, sleepless, fearful, exhausted with a new born infant … the laughing response; this is the easy part wait until they are teenagers
… Ripped apart having to accept disability … what in the world do you do with all your time?
… Betrayed by a spouse … don’t worry time heals.
… My mind is so confused sometimes … I am exactly the same way
These responses to your crisis are loving, caring, and thoughtless. People really do care but they don’t know what to say. Often people will say nothing when faced with the crisis of another. They just don’t know what to say. Much of our personal pain and trauma is faced alone. Decide ahead of time to be kind with people who don’t “get” it. For the most part they mean no harm. Henri Nouwen speaks of this lonliness:
(feel/count) Much of our isolation is self-chosen. We do not like to be dependant on others and, whenever possible, we try to show ourselves that we are in control of the situation and can make our own decisions. This self-reliance has many attractions. It gives us a sense of power, it allows us to move quickly, it offers us the satisfaction of being our own boss, and it promises many rewards and prizes. However, the underside of self-reliance is loneliness, isolation, and the constant fear of not making it in life. (Here and Now, 42) Pg. 95
Inadequacy (may expand this)
January 12, 2003
I am used to having $100 of time, energy, and insight. But I have about a $1.39. It all belongs to God, but sometimes I feel like I am out in the wilderness rationing a c cup of water to get through the day.
I may not have as much to spend these days, but God=s grace brings peace, comfort, and wisdom. I am thankful for all those God has sent to be alongside me. So that maybe, together we will be investing $1000 a day into the Kingdom. Even my hundred dollars a day would go as far as $1000. Lord would you take my dollar 39 and turn it into couple thousand dollars today?
Depression
My regular neurologist appointment was scheduled every three months in Manhattan. My neurologist kept telling me, he thought I was depressed. To be totally honest, he didn’t think I was depressed, he said that I was depressed. For several months my response was, “No I’m not”. He didn’t understand that my understated and boring demeanor was all part of the mix of characteristics of my unique and special persona. It was one of the endearing qualities that makes me … me. I tend toward deadpan humor … boring has served me well. If I did feel down I could always read the Psalms, pray, go catch a fish, or eat a hot fudge sundae. I knew how to handle the low times.
For several appointments we did the “are to” … “am not” … “are to” … “am not” routine after which he prescribed a pill. I did not like taking another pill, especially for depression. There just seems to be something self focused, self serving, and weak about feeling mopey, which is a clinical term even if my spell check doesn’t recognize it. I didn’t know which was worse, being depressed or having to take a pill for depression. The whole thing was depressing! Looking back at my journal entries it is clear struggle with depression is an ongoing process:
May 25, 2002
It=s three o=clock in the morning again. The depression pills are working well because I=m pretty depressed. It looks like the second evil purple pill complicates my sleeping patterns with its contribution of insomnia. However, my body got used to the first pill so it will get used to the toxicity of the second pill as well. Hopefully the others 18 pills will cooperate in helping me and toward one of the more basic goals... survival.
The fact remains that 33 to 35 million struggle with depression in the U.S. The World Health Organization estimates that over 121 million suffer from depressive symptoms worldwide. To a certain degree (in certain ways … in one way), feelings of depression are a natural response to injury, hurt and pain …remember the “bad news feels bad” principle? Depression.com (why do I find Depression.com amusing?) lists causes of depression as: genetics, trauma, negativity, physical disease and mental illness. Repressed anger as well is often an underlying origin of clinical depression. More than we'd like to admit, anger and depression are often related. Dr. Paul Meier of Meier Clinics once reported that approximately 15,000 Americans come in one week to the Minirth Meier Clinics for insight-oriented therapy. Of all the depression cases, he finds that 95% are depressed due to repressed anger toward an abuser or toward oneself. We will look at the art/struggle of anger/forgiveness in the Live Your Faith chapter.
There are practical life style responses to depression including:
Exercise. Regular exercise provides natural, mood lifting chemical changes in your body. You don’t have to train for a marathon; even a short walk every day will help.
Nutrition. Eating a regular, balanced diet is important for both your physical and mental health.
Sleep. Poor sleep has a strong effect on mood. Make getting the right amount of sleep for you a priority. I also swallowed my pride and take a sleeping pill.
Social Support. Strong social networks reduce isolation, a key risk factor for depression. Keep in regular contact with friends and family, or consider joining a class or group. Volunteering is a wonderful way to get social support and help others while also helping yourself.
Stress Reduction. Make changes in your life to help manage and reduce stress. Too much stress exacerbates depression and puts you at risk for future depression.
Medication. Don’t feel guilty about medication. Half of all Parkinson’s patients deal with depression. Regardless of the root causes of depression there are actual brain changes including the reduction of serotonin and dopamine. If medication is a help, thank God and take your meds.
Again my purpose is not a clinical study of stress, trauma, depression etc. But rather to emphasize that when life shakes us up, feelings happen. These feelings need to be recognized, addressed, and accepted as an unavoidable and maybe even indispensible part of struggling with troubling turbulent real life experiences.
Doubt
Doubt is the feeling … faith is the choice
“If you have faith as small as a mustard seed”, Jesus says, you can say to this mountain, “Move from here to there and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Matthew 17:20 Why is that less than encouraging to most of us? How many reading this book have tossed mountains around? What’s more, mountain tossing doesn’t even take very much faith … only as much as an itty bitty seed. Does that make you feel like a spiritual pygmy? (Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .)
And to top it all off, we aren’t even allowed to doubt. "I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him”. Mark 11:23 NIV.
And he did not do many miracles there because of their lack of faith. Matthew 13:58 NIV
"Go," said Jesus, "your faith has healed you." Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road. Mark 10:52
We want to have faith … we want to believe … but the doubt just won’t go away. How can a God of love allow such pain, struggle, and tragedy? I certainly don’t feel God. I don’t understand.
Perhaps it is worth taking a quick look at God’s response to doubters. Job was the perfect man. He was stricken with unspeakable pain and tragedy. He had more than a few doubts as he challenged God saying basically, what in the world are you doing. God’s first response was patience. He listened to Job’s complaint. The almighty infinite God, sitting down with a rancher (if you will excuse the anthropomorphism) to listen to what he had to say.
There were some things that Job just didn’t get … so God responded with a litany questions for Job, the first of which is Job 38:4 "Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Job 38:4-6 Job response? 42:3 … Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. Job was reminded that God is God and there and there are some things too awesome and wonderful for him to fully understand. The fact remains that doubt will happen. There will be aspects of our suffering that we will not fully understand.
The first things we did upon receiving the diagnosis of Parkinson’s was to pray for divine healing. As Christians, we believe in divine healing. The instruction in James is for those who are sick to … call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. James 5:14 I have been blessed beyond measure by those who have prayed for my healing. It is one of the many blessings I would not have known if the “bad breathed salesman” had not knocked on my door.
It was perhaps the most humbling, praiseful, thankful day of my Christian life. Several of my fellow pastors in the Metro New York City had come together; gathering their leaders to pray for my healing. They traveled 45 minutes up to an hour and a half to my suburban church north of the New York City in the beautiful Hudson valley. I was overwhelmed as 75+ made their way on a Sunday afternoon to join the people in my local church family to pray for healing. I was basically blown away by all the love and care and attention.
We assembled in the sanctuary and began to pray … and there was faith in that room! For an hour and a half the prayers of faith were offered to a loving personal God. The diversity was a joy to behold as Asian, Hispanic, Caribbean, and Caucasian brothers and sisters prayed and praised together. There was a fair amount of bad “name it … claim it” type theology bandied about that day. But there was no lack of faith. There were 150 in one room agreeing together.
I was not healed. What‘s with that? We had met the “requirements”. There certainly must have been at least a mustard seed’s worth of faith among such an earnest group. There had to be at least a few men or women righteous enough to qualify as that righteous one whose prayer … “availeth much”. KJV In my struggles with the “whys” of my particular condition; there are three spiritual realities that have helped me.
The first reality… God is God. It takes little faith to believe that God is. Even those who claim no particular faith recognize there is an “otherness”. There is some kind of order that is somehow at the core of existence. Through our senses we observe a few miraculous stunning mind boggling events in our lives and in our universe. Even the observations of the infinitesimal speck of creation/eternity within our awareness leads us to know that God is. There is something out there … meaning above us … over us … all transcendent
Intuitively our souls reach out for that something more. September 11, 2002 was an unforgettable day of mayhem and tragedy. Living close to New York City brought the reality literally just next door. All around the world, the images flashed with the immediate instinctive response … Oh God!!! We are created in the image of God with a natural inclination toward Him.
God is God … which means we don’t have to do the job. The position is filled. There are no layoffs in sight. As Christians our faith is built upon Jesus as the perfect revelation of the creator God. “if you have seen me you have seen the Father, Jesus said. I’m not quite sure how heretical it is … but somehow I think that Jesus might have left out a few things. He skipped the quantum physics classes to fully explain creation. Just exactly how did God sit down at His work bench and come up with my granddaughter’s amazing blue eyes. Did God really keep count when he scattered the stars that bear testimony to my place in the universe?
God is God … that helps me … He is in charge … deal with it.
The second reality … God is love. Here is where faith comes in. Jesus understood the incapacity of humanity to comprehend the totality of the infinity of God. Jesus came not to reveal all the mysteries of God but rather to reveal His character. In this He held nothing back. Jesus came, giving His life away. He came to love his creation, literally, to death. God, in Christ, comes all the way down to share the joy, fear, frustration of humanity. He understands the lostness of alienation from the Father. God reaches out to us.
Faith is not the ability to know everything but rather it is establishing those things which are solid, upon which a life is built. In times of doubt the response of faith is to re-confirm the reality that; God loved the world so much that He sent Jesus, His one and only son. He reminds us and brings an inner confirmation of the loving nature of God. God is love. God is for us.
Thirdly … God is at work. How often do we hear the mantra, “God is in control”? The fact remains that God is not always in control of every occasion and situation in our world. The Holocaust was not the expression of God’s divine plan. Each individual can decide to rebel over God’s control. The foundational principle is not as much God is in control as much as “God is at work”.
Romans 8:28, is a scripture verse that can be glibly quoted in a “don’t worry God is in charge” kind of way”. I don’t want to hear that God is the Willy Wonka man upstairs, doling out personal miseries upon His creation. I kind of want the man upstairs jolly Santa-like, let me tell you a story kind of God.
Again, I don’t understand all about the meaning and purpose of pain and suffering but I do know that we all get it. At this point my faith in God through Christ is that his character is love and that he is at work for our benefit. When I am weak, God is at work bringing inner strength. When I am fearful, God is at work brings comfort.
These three principles … God is … God is love … God is at work … these are the three interlocking foundation stones of faith. God is God … a foundation stone established by reason, observation, and revelation. God is love … is a leap of faith that Jesus Christ, is the son of God and that he does indeed reveal to us the character of God. God is at work … is a foundation stone established by the revelation of scripture, history, and personal experience. Jesus Christ, the son of God is the center and cap stone supported by the other two tenets of faith.
We will re-visit some of these issues in chapter four, Live Your Faith. The principle is that in order to live out faith we must have a foundation that is not easily shaken., they Although feelings of doubt are part of our humanity they are not the basis upon which we make decisions for life.
We will never know all things
but we must establish those things upon which we base our decisions and actions of life.
Not one of us is exempt from the storm clouds of life. The good news is that we can live out a practical, and yes, even victorious life, as we make faith decisions. By faith, with the help of God, in relationship with him … Face the Facts then Accept the Feelings … of fear, and doubt, anger and frustration knowing that a loving creator God is at work in our behalf.
It is vital that we grow up and face reality and accept that things are not always good, fair, or pleasant. But there is more than just a negative resolve to tough it out. Along the way we need to count our blessings.
Count Your Blessings - Chapter Three
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS – Chapter Three
Digger Phelps, is a well known, often controversial sports analyst. For many years, he was highly successful as the coach of Notre Dame basketball. Following coaching he was very active politically serving as part time ambassador and as director of President George H. W. Bush’s anti-drug program. His autobiography, “The Son of an Undertaker”, is set in the neighboring small town of Beacon, NY.
He tells the story of his mother, well known as Maggie all around town. She was apparently quite a lively personality and involved in every aspect of the community. Digger’s brother Francis was handsome, popular and a star basketball player on the high school team. It was assumed he would continue his success at the college level.
As a senior in high school, however, he contracted a freak infection from, of all things, a blood blister and died suddenly, a few days before Christmas. It was a tragedy for the family and for the community. From that year on, in response to this crushing loss, there would be no Christmas celebration in the Phelps household. Every year in a community filled with hope, joy and Christmas cheer … the Phelps household was an island of mourning and despair. The darkness of sorrow and loss were window shades, shutting out the light of hope and peace. The blessings of, “for God so loved the world he sent his one and only son”, were all around them but they were unable to see them.
When life shakes us up, it is easy to be overwhelmed with the intensity and stress that permeates every moment, thought, and plan. The path of least resistance is always there … to be so focused on the trial that we lose sight of the blessings. A quarter, when held close to one eye with the other eye closed, will totally block off sight. As we move the quarter to arms length, however, away from ourselves, we are then able to see the entire environment around us. The quarter (trial) is still very much in focus, but along with the trial are the blessings of life … the light of day … the beauty of creation … the presence of those who love and support us. When life shakes us up, the pain and discomfort so strongly wrench our attention away from the blessings that we lose sight of them all together. The truth is, there is much more to reality than the present problem. The blessings are just as real … perhaps even more real.
When the struggle and strain of life becomes overwhelming, that is the time to make a decision to not only face the facts … accept the feelings … but to count our blessings as well. Let’s look at our Israeli general again.
Battle Plan from the General
Joshua needed to face the facts; Moses was dead. He needed to accept the feelings; he was terrified and discouraged. The general needed as well to count his blessings. The voice of God comes to Joshua with great promise and blessing:
I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses. Your territory will extend from the desert to Lebanon, and from the great river, the Euphrates--all the Hittite country--to the Great Sea on the west. No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you. Joshua 1:3-5
Joshua faced an insurmountable challenge but that wasn=t all ... the blessings of God were still both visible and available. There would be bloodshed, sorrow and loss. The battles would be brutal. The victories would come at great cost. There would be rebellion among the people. But all of this did not change the reality of God’s blessings. In the midst of all the turmoil ... there was more than trial and trauma. God was still the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The promise for victory and the divine pledge that Joshua would never be alone had not changed. It is important/indispensible to count the blessings of life.
Personal
The words used to describing PD are rather ominous. Among them are devastating, debilitating, progressive, and incurable. More and more, I have been able to do less and less. I spent 10 to 12 hours with a clinical psychologist trying to figure out what in the world was happening with my brain. There were tests for reading comprehension, vocabulary, numerical sequence, name the presidents backwards (getting stuck at Bush Sr.). There were the arithmetic word problems that literally confirmed I was not as smart as a 5th grader. The good news is that I still scored in the 95th percentile in some of the academic areas. The not as good news is that I scored from 37th down to 10th percentile in short term memory, multitasking, facial recognition and problem solving type tests. It was not exactly a pretty picture.
The official diagnosis was progressive parkinsonian dementia. ( NB: Any significant repetition in this book is because I can’t quite remember what I wrote) That D word stood out on the psychological report like a neon light. And in case there was any illusion of returning to ministry the final note in the report was a recommendation that “Rev. Ardrey not work at all”. It was enough to make me feel sorry for myself … which occasionally was/is my response.
I was indeed devastated by the physical, emotional, and cognitive losses of PD. I had always done the family finances. As hard as I tried I couldn’t avoid the costly over draft late bill type errors. Giving up the role of taking charge in that area came with a big gulp of swallowed pride.
I didn’t like watching others do “my” work in “my” church. Our church gained a new understanding of the “every member a minister” program. How blessed we have been with a secretary, administrator, youth pastor, finance committee, building committee and many others who did so much of the pastoral work during the time I struggled with an impending resignation and retirement.
Important things were left un-done … things I would have, could have, and should have done. The families moving into 800 new homes built so close to our church were not welcomed into the community. The Living Nativity, a long held tradition in the community didn’t quite happen. People in the church were so faithful but so much happened that was reactive and the sense of moving forward in a pro-active manner was lacking. I was called to be a pastor … specifically with this group of people in this setting. The need for effusive praise or validation was never high on my list of needs. But “I don’t matter” kinds of feelings began to intrude upon my life. I wasn’t “the” pastor any more. I wasn’t consulted. It was, pass in the keys to the church car then get on with life.
“Facing the Facts” and “Accepting the Feelings” are important, indispensible, decisions … but they are dangerous. When dealing with disaster spawns an unhealthy attitude of cynicism, which is fertile ground for a harvest of negativity and defeat. In “The Return of the Prodigal Son”, Henry Nouwen wrote:
Cynics seek darkness wherever they go. They point always to approaching dangers, impure motives, and hidden schemes. They call trust … naïve, care … romance, and forgiveness … sentimental. They sneer at enthusiasm, ridicule spiritual favor, and despise charismatic behavior. They consider themselves realists who see reality for what it truly is and who are not deceived by “escapist emotions.” But in belittling God’s joy, their darkness only calls forth more darkness.
It is important to ask ourselves, “What are we looking for?” If we look for despair we will find enough negativity to saturate our hearts and fill our lives with cynicism. If we look for the good around us, the blessings of God’s grace, we will find our lives full of grace and hope.
Adelina Domingues, was born in 1988 in the Cape Verde Islands to a devout Roman Catholic family. Adelina was also sincere and deeply committed to living a clean life and was very religious. As an 18 year old young bride she was secretly reading the Bible on a hillside close to home, when all on her own she came to personal faith in Christ and was filled with joy and enthusiasm in her new found faith. She had chosen the way of great struggle and opposition.
She emigrated to the U.S. with her husband in 1907 and he worked as a fisherman in New Bedford, Massachusetts. Immediately she began looking for a church in the city asking, where is a good church, people who enjoy their religion?” She was directed to a small Church of the Nazarene, on the corner of smith and Spruce street, where she immediately became a vital part of the mission there. The Portuguese Church of the Nazarene, later to become the International Church of the Nazarene, was established largely through her, prayer, witness, preaching, and evangelism. She was on fire for God.
In all this time there was great criticism . . . from the evangelical church for her fanaticism and persecution. There was vicious persecution from the old world Roman Catholic establishment in opposition to her proselytizing of the Catholic adherents. Her life was threatened, she was physically attacked, and she was ridiculed mercilessly. These were times of great pain and the temptation for discouragement was always there.
Adelina, known to me and my siblings as , Mrs. Domingues was one of the saints in the New Bedford church where my Dad was the pastor from 1960-1965. She was 75+ years old, even way back then. My Dad was an all out, working 80 hour a week, evangelistic pastor; Mrs. Domingues became his mentor. She understood the pain/joy of ministry and as my Dad faced the pain and perhaps criticism of minstry she would encourage him saying, “Brother Ardrey, with Jesus I have learned to smile through the tears”. In pain and persecution, she never lost sight of the joy. When there were those in the church who just couldn’t seem to keep strong in their faith she would smile and say, “Well, you know, some people just need to be carried into heaven.” She was able to see the blessing in the midst of even the most frustrating times.
Paul S. Dayhoff
The “on purpose” response of faith includes a decision to count the blessings of life.
Look Around
Theologically the first decision needs to be “Look Up” to acknowledge the reality of the infinite presence of God. When we are all wrapped up in the survival mode of crisis, however, it is difficult to calm down and enjoy the serenity of metaphysical reflection. Sometimes all we can do is look around for something, anything that brings a glimmer of hope and optimism.
Begin small. Enjoy the obvious blessings closest to us. We can enjoy the sunshine, be thankful for the air we breathe, appreciate the beauty of nature around us. Express your observations of blessing in terms of gratitude to God. This is then a faith decision. In other words the decision to be thankful reinforces our faith that God is, strengthens our faith in his goodness, and confirms the reality that he is indeed at work and “delights to give good gifts to his children”.
As we look around, the domain of blessing begins to expand. We begin to look beyond ourselves and the circumstances that threaten our very survival. Gratitude begins to grow into faith habit; even perhaps a more daunting D-word, discipline. Henry Nouwen speaks of the discipline of gratitude:
In the past I always thought of gratitude as a spontaneous response to the awareness of gifts received, but now I realize that gratitude can also be lived as a discipline. The discipline of gratitude is the explicit effort to acknowledge that all I am and have is given to me as a gift of love, a gift to be celebrated with joy.
Gratitude as a discipline involves a conscious choice. I can choose to be grateful even when my emotions and feelings are still steeped in hurt and resentment. The choice for gratitude rarely comes without some real effort. But each time I make it, the next choice is a little easier, a little freer, a little less self-conscious.
There is an Estonian proverb that says: “Who does not thank for a little will not thank for much.” Acts of gratitude make one grateful because, step by step, they reveal that all is grace. (The Return of the Prodigal Son, 80)
Pg. 69
Make a decision to thank God for the small blessings. The decision toward gratitude re-centers our prayers from a desperate “Oh God help me” prayers to “Oh God, thank you” prayers. The habit of gratitude transforms our time spent with God. We are no longer coming to him, submitting a list of complaints to the divine customer service department. We are rather learning to commune with a loving God who blesses us in our times of deepest need.
Look Upward
Those native to the northeast or northwest in the U.S. are familiar with long stretches of dreary, sunless skies. My family and I love the scenery of the northeast, dazzling in the fall … green and lush in the summer. We love the ocean, spending weeks at a time on the Cape Cod National Sea Shore. However, we also endure some long stretches of sunless days. In these periods of gloom there are times when the sky begins to brighten. Our heads instinctively turn upward in hope. When no on else can see a glimmer of light, my sunny optimistic wife will say, “it looks like the sun is coming out”. Then when the sun breaks through we all look up and bask in the warmth and hopefulness of sunlight.
The habit of gratitude turns our attention upward. Gratitude expressed is both therapeutic and life changing. The decision to look around taking inventory of our many blessings is a first step. The next step is to look up to God as the source of the benefits we have received. As we turn our attention toward a transcendent but personal God we are focused upon seeking after him, rather than seeking after his answers. Practicing gratitude as a discipline opens our minds and hearts to a God of goodness and grace.
Look Outward
National Geographic presented a documentary about the Hubbell telescope. The Hubbell telescope orbits around the earth probing far into the vast expanse of the universe. One striking image is that of a panorama of innumerable stars glittering on the screen in striking HD quality. Every one of those flickers of light was a galaxy. Every galaxy was composed of billions of stars. Every star had untold planets within its gravitational influence. It was totally mind boggling.
The broadcast attempted to unravel the theoretical existence of black holes throughout the cosmos. As I understand it, a black hole is the central remaining core of an exploded star. A burning star, just as the molecular structure of earthly matter, is mostly space. Upon implosion all the mass is reduced to a miniscule sub atomic dot. All this concentrated mass, turned inward, exerts so much gravitational force that even light is unable to escape.
I don’t get all that …but to me a star, totally turned inward and sucking the light out of the universe is an illustration. When cataclysmic unexpected events shake our lives with tragedy and trial, turning inward upon ourselves is the path of least resistance. When we focus on our problems … when we rehearse and relive the injustice … as DR. Stan Toler recently spoke about those who curse, nurse, and rehearse their misfortunes . . . when we wallow in the pool of pity … the light of hope, faith and love is extinguished from our perception.
The need to look out … to look outside ourselves … is a decision to interface with the world around us and the people in it. Looking outward is a natural result of looking upward. Looking up in gratitude to God will tend to spill over into the world around us. When shaken by life we can look outward to others for help and maybe more importantly for others to care
Even in pain and suffering it is possible to live a “grace-full” life and thus bring hope and faith into our world. The message of hope and grace can often be personally delivered more effectively in times of dis-ease than in times of ease. I never understood the paralysis of anxiety until my resources were stripped by disease and I experienced for myself what it felt like to be overwhelmed and speechless when life gets too complicated.
Responding to these struggles, frustrations, and limitations is a dangerous affair. The potential for implosion into the black hole of self absorption is real. The potential is also there to look outward to those who really needed to see that faith in a loving personal God is a practical, positive and possible decision. How can you tell I have preached my share of three point sermons many of which alliterated with the letter P?
Over the years, many have come to me with needs, fears, and concerns. My intention has always been to respond with care and compassion. I have tried to avoid a quick dismissive response and with God’s help my response has been mostly caring and transparent. A sympathetic response was fairly natural for me … at times; however, I struggled with the empathy. Sometimes I just didn’t “get it” how people were so crushed by seemingly minor concerns. I found myself empathizing with all my might but couldn’t help thinking; “What’s the big deal. Just deal with it!” Living with PD has brought new understanding and identification with those with limited emotional and physical resources. I began to recognize blessings that I would not have known apart from my diagnosis. A journal entry in the first year after the PD diagnosis:
February 2, 2001
Is it possible that I will be able to see God lead me into ministry and opportunities I never would have known without Parkinson’s? I would have been too busy to write ... too pressured to enjoy family and friends ... Too hurried to be used by God to shed tears with those sent my way as a divine appointment. Maybe touching fewer people with greater impact because of that all surpassing power in a slowing, sometimes stumbling, often mixed up ... God seeker pastor ... That is from God ... As the resurrection turned the tables on Satan’s worst. The power of God continues to turn the tables on the pain, tears, fear, and confusion of an evil disease ... That has opened the door to huge blessing. I have needed to rely on God’s divine grace and security in a way that I never had before..
Gratitude for the Suffering?
I am not often spiritual enough to thank God for my disease but by faith even the suffering itself can be a blessing from God. In The Hiding Place, (a book every Christian should read) Corrie Ten Boom tells of her imprisonment in Ravensbrook concentration camp in Nazi Germany. Her arrival was a time of horrific fear and disgust:
… our noses told us first that this place was filthy: somewhere plumbing had backed up, the bedding was soiled and rancid …we saw that there were no individual beds at all but great square piers stacked three high wedged side to side and end to end with only an occasional narrow aisle slicing through.
We followed our guide single file – the aisle was not wide enough for two – fighting back the claustrophobia of these platforms rising everywhere above us. At last she pointed to the second tier in the center of a large block. To reach it we had to stand on the bottom level, haul ourselves up, then crawl across three other straw covered platforms to reach the one that we would share with – how many ? The deck above us was too close to let us sit up. We lay back struggling against the nausea that swept over us from the reeking straw.
Suddenly I sat up, striking my head against the cross slats above. Something had pinched my leg.
“Fleas”, I cried. “Betsie (her sister), this place is swarming with them … how can we live in such a place.
Betsie began to pray … “Show us. Show us how”.
They read a verse from the Bible smuggled in past the guards … Give thanks in all circumstances. They began to thank God for every single thing about that place of total depravity. What a blessing that they were together, that the guards miraculously ignored the Bible that lifted their spirits, that there were so many women so closely packed to care for.
Betsie went on serenely, “thank you for the fleas” – “The fleas! This was too much … there is no way even God can make me grateful for a flea.”
In those unspeakable conditions, there was a nightly worship service where more and more women gathered for praise, prayer, and fellowship. The sisters would share the scripture in German and the message would be translated among the crowd into French, Russian, Polish, Czech and Dutch. The guards were a hostile presence every waking hour. But somehow, these precious worship times were never interrupted by the guards.
Sometime later there was a disagreement among the women and the guards were called to settle it. Strangely, the guards reused to enter their barracks. Then in suddenly struck them that they were afraid of the fleas! It turned out that the fleas were their greatest blessing. Without the fleas they would have been deprived of their greatest blessing and encouragement.
It is good advice and a wise strategy to look for the positive. When faced with the overwhelming and unexpected trauma it is important to face the facts and accept the feelings. But it is even more important to make an “on purpose” decision to:
… dwell on the positive and celebrate the blessings with gratitude.
So along the way we can count the blessings from God. The trials of life are real, but the promises of God are still sure. To really face all the facts we must count the blessings. Dealing with reality does not mean doom and gloom ... it includes recognizing the positive as well.
Michael J. Fox had it made. By the age of 19 he was the star of the popular family show Family Ties. The Back to the Future movies were blockbuster hits. He starred as well in the award winning sitcom Spin City. In 1980, he was diagnosed with PD at the age of 29.
Wealthy beyond that which most of us can imagine, he was beloved for his fun/likable characters in television and film. His life would certainly be the envy of many. To the contrary, in his book Lucky Man he speaks of his way of life as the Being-Famous-in-America-Fun House lifestyle. He writes that:
It should come as no surprise that fame – show biz fame anyway – is so disorienting … after all the theater … is a conspiracy of mutual deception. The performer pretends to be someone he is not, and the audience willingly suspends it’s disbelief.
In this world of 20 foot high screen characters, the actors a matinee idol and a part of the viewers family. “Everything is part of the show – the performer’s private life included. Within this topsy turvy fun house of wavy mirrors, Michael J. Fox describes a world of alcohol and drug abuse, excess, family stress, entitlement and surprisingly insecurity.
It was only as he received the worst news of his life … that he found his life. His diagnosis came at age 29! At 49 I was much too young, I thought, to have an old person’s disease. If PD was bad news for me (at times crossing the line into devastating) then the life sentence for a 29 year old would be more than devastating. He found, however, that as he became part the all out mission to cure Parkinson’s Disease … in giving to others … … in working for a cause ... he experienced joys he had never known. He found the kind of peace that was so illusive in the Being-Famous-in-America-Fun House scenario. He writes:
“If you were to rush into this room right and announce that you had struck a deal with God, Allah, Buddha, Christ, Krishna, Bill Gates, whomever – in which the ten years since my diagnosis could be magically taken away, traded in for ten more years as the person I was before, I would, without a moment’s hesitation, tell you to take a hike.
The ten years since my diagnosis have been the best ten years of my life, and I consider myself a lucky man”
He wouldn’t go back. Neither would I if I had to sell my soul to Bill Gates but if there were a legitimate way to live the last 10 years healthy … count me in. Michael J. Fox has come to a faith that would not quite fit into the conservative evangelical Christian milieu but his decision is a powerful example of a life-changing, “on purpose” decision to seek and find the blessings that are always present in the darkest times.
But whatever the ... situation we are people of hope. And as we count our blessings maybe we can lighten up a bit ... find some humor along the way. Often laughter is a positive alternative to despair. If we are to take life seriously we dare not take ourselves too seriously.
I don’t like the achy stiffness that is a grinding reality day. I don’t like the confusion when the medication wears off. There is an annoying woman who reminds me seven times a day to take my medicine; she resides in a micro chip in my pill box, as her voice persistently nags – time to take you pill – time to take your pill.
But you know, I tell myself that it’s not all bad. It’s not all bad, when I am looking out my window this past winter at 29 inches of snow in my driveway, and I look at my son just home from Kenya, with the unmistakable, wordless question in my eyes … You expect me to shovel snow? In my condition?
I always thought that the Pastor Emeritus position was a pretty cool deal … all the respect without the headaches. I didn’t, however, plan to apply for the position at such a young age. Shortly after going on disability, sure enough, with the new pastor’s arrival, I was installed as Pastor emeritus.
One evening, on a Wednesday family activity night, I was walking into the education building. As I made my way through the foyer, I heard a familiar, (dare I say demanding voice?) Pastor! Pastor! I turned my head immediately (because that’s what pastors do … having this messianic delusion of fixing anything and everything that may or may not fixing). I heard the voice, turned my head and there was a presumptuously persistent (dare I say petulant) parishioner chasing the new guy up the stairs. Again I said to myself … It’s not all bad. Counting my blessings was a bit easier that night compared to some others.
We are people of hope ... This life is not all there is ... We have an eternal. At the risk of understating the gravity of the reality of death … we can live with the ultimate hope … a principle to live by:
Cheer up someday you are going to die !
My friend John, was diagnosed with cancer of the eye a few years back. It was frightening news and as treatment was administered, we all thought that everything was OK. Within the year, however, the report was that the cancer was back, in his lymph nodes and even more ominously, in his liver. The doctors gave him 6-8 weeks to live.
John was with us for two more years. During those years he became a totally joy filled ambassador of the hope and joy of God’s grace. Everywhere he went he spoke of the peace and joy he had come to know in relationship with a personal God. Traveling alone on the train to Philadelphia for the painful treatments of a clinical trial; he would share with fellow passengers how real God was in his life. John would tell me, … “these have been the best years of my life”. And there is no way in the world I can really understand that. How does someone spend the best two years of his life dying? It has something to do with recognizing the blessings and living out a life of gratitude.
Robert Schuler wrote a book entitled “Tough Times Don’t Last but Tough People Do.” There is lots of good stuff in his book that strengthen resolve to toughen up, trust God, and deal with life. It is especially helpful when tough times don’t last. But what about when tough times do last? I sent the Tough Times book to an acquaintance a number of years ago … and the tough times didn’t last … they got worse. The financial pressure, taxes, family crises all brought increasing stress and strain. When the going gets tough … the tough get going. There are those times when we feel anything but tough. In those times, part of an “on purpose” faith response is count the blessings … focus on the positive and celebrate these blessings.
The premise of this book and the spiritual potential for all people of faith is that recognizing the blessings in the midst of the stress and strain and struggles of life is possible.
Years ago, a Canadian pastor’s wife shared a memory from her childhood. Apparently she grew up in great poverty in the Peace River country way up north west of Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. She had been going to Sunday School and was so very sincere and enthusiastic in her growing faith. In her hunger, she would pray that God would supply the need for food each day. Her mother had died and as a she was under the care of an aunt who was more skeptic than believer. There came a point in time when they had nothing left but one can of tomato soup. As the can was opened, they were horrified to see a big green worm in the soup.
The skeptical aunt sat right down and wrote an irate letter to the soup company, demanding a refund. Not many days after a large delivery arrived a whole case of soups in various varieties from the company apologizing for their over sight. The little girl was thrilled to see how God had provided for them. Excitedly she told her aunt how God had answered her prayers. Unconvinced, the well meaning but faithless aunt replied, “That was not God; that was me. I wrote the letter. The company was merely responding to a customer complaint”. The faith-full child thought for a moment then responded “That may be true … but who put the worm in the soup?
Looking for the good… practicing gratitude as a discipline is a decision of faith. When we get bad news - when life is unfair - when it seems hopeless ... don’t stop living. Don’t lose sight of the blessings. Nothing will ever shake the foundation stones of faith: God is … God is good … God is at work. God still loves the world so much he gave his one and only son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
So stuff happens ... but when it does...
Face the Facts ... Accept the Feelings ... Count Your Blessings
then
Live Your Faith
FACE THE FACTS – Chapter One
God speaks to Joshua and he doesn’t pull any punches. Moses is Dead … talk about blunt ! We don=t like the bad news. Maybe you have noticed - bad news does not send an engraved invitation. Bad news comes suddenly - unexpectedly. When life shakes you up it slaps you in the face and it=s the last thing you expect. .
God speaks to Joshua. Moses is dead - now it’s your turn. Think about it. Moses was one of the big guys. God had spoken to Moses in person on the top of Mount Sinai. Joshua had watched as Moses hand delivered the 10 commandments, still smoking from the hand of God. He had watched Moses deal with all the annoying whining grumbling people as he paid the price for being their leader. He watched Moses stretch his rod out and part Red Sea. It was Cecil B. Demille, in real Technicolor and real life. Joshua had big shoes, rather sandals, to fill. Joshua was in over his head.
Face the Facts: Bad news is bad news …
We don’t like the news that shatters our plans and dashes our dreams. I did not like hearing I had an incurable disease. Immediately, I wanted a second opinion. There must be some mistake. Shortly after diagnosis, I was gathering information, searching online, educating myself on what I was facing. I received a large manila envelope from one of the PD research/support groups. It was stuffed full of more information than I ever wanted or needed.
The first thing to fall out of the envelope was a royal blue business sized card with bright yellow letters – with the words I AM NOT RETARDED emblazoned on the front. The back of the card explained that the carrier of the card was not retarded but rather had Parkinson’s Disease. I could use this card to let people know that I may have trouble with my words but be patient it just takes me longer. So the good news is that I am not retarded - the not so good news is I just look and act retarded. I had to face it. I had/have an incurable disease. I didn’t like it ...I don=t like it … it was not … is not good news.
There were frightening financial realities to face. We had a plan for getting the kids through college and preparing for retirement. Over the years, my wife Brenda has worked as a home care nurse providing care especially for pediatric cases. She is amazingly gifted as a care giver and considers it a ministry. She loves “her children” as her own The plan was that as soon as our nest was empty, or maybe even during the last few high school years, we would begin to work on our nest egg. I would continue as a full time pastor and my wife would work full time as a nurse. This would help the kids through school and help us invest in retirement so we could buy a house and settle in . . . hopefully near family and grand children.
The problem was that God did not check in with my broker. Possibly because he knew I didn’t have a broker. I had no input in the matter and received no notice of the unwelcome nemesis. I made no sense to me or anypne else I knew. Our plan was clearly a good plan. It was almost like God didn’t get it. After all we had “sacrificed” to live in a church owned parsonage our whole life. (I wish I could write another book about the blessings of raising kids in a parsonage … yes you heard/read me right!) Hadn’t we given our over 20% of our income to God’s work in the church, missions, and various building projects and special needs. We kind of deserved at least a say in the deal.
Lest you think that “facing the facts” is a formula for feeling groovy in five easy steps, when life turns bad … this was certainly not my experience. Facing the facts, the hard realities of life, is a decision but also an arduous never ending process. The salesman with the bad breath, this courier of bad news: whom I will introduce shortly, was banging on the front door … and I was not about to answer.
Michael J. Fox’s books, “Lucky Man” and “The Diary of an Incurable Optimist” have been an invaluable help in writing this book. Upon being diagnosed with PD the neurologist told him he had at least ten good years of production before he would need to step back and retire. I was 49 years old and kind of accepted the ten more years of production thing, in an “I’ll deal with all that 10 years from now” sort of way. I was not about to consider that in two years, the lay leadership would be doing most of my work in the church and that in four years I would be on disability.
Face the Facts: You need help …
In retrospect, I had been slowing down for a number of years. Weekly sermons which typically involved six to eight hours of preparation, now took 12 – 20 hours. My meetings with the 10 lay pastors, who provide practical care within the congregation , would normally meet every 6 weeks. These meetings were happening perhaps twice a year. For many years I had prepared a daily devotional follow up to the weekly sermon, hoping I guess that if my people had no idea what I was saying … maybe it would make more sense in print. Somehow I just didn’t seem to be able to continue that on a weekly basis. There were times I was plagued with guilt because I was just too exhausted to visit a parishioner in the hospital. I needed to face up to the reality that I needed help.
Letting go of that which I loved so much … allowing others to fill in and make up for my deficiency was heart wrenching. So many people were so responsive to the ministry needs of the church. The church where I served as pastor for 14 years was planning a $1,000,000 expansion. During the two years before my retirement, the building committee met without me. Nominations, elections, finances, Christian education … most of the functions of the church were cared for by volunteers with my two secretaries basically acting as a pastor in planning and facilitating the activities of the church. Sunday mornings, I would preach in the early service, sleep during Sunday School, then preach in the 11 am service. There were times when I ask our youth/associate pastor, to take over in the middle of the service while I took a 7 minute nap before preaching. There was weight loss, as I lost 15 pounds which at one point was 137 pounds. Pastoral ministry became more and more difficult.
Any effectiveness as a pastor and leader were clearly diminished.
I didn’t like it … and it sounds like it in a journal entry late one night:
May 15, 2002
I don't want to be like this the rest of my life. I don't want my wife to have to live with this stinking blank stare spaced out look. I don't want people calling the house wondering if I'm able to answer the phone. I want to visit all day Saturday. I want to go early to church, talk to people come preach two services and talk to some more people. I want to be part of realizing that we messed up the building program and there's a much better way to do it. I don't want to keep telling people that I am too impaired to do their weddings, baptisms, and if they die they need to make other arrangements. I want to keep harassing with District licensed ministers on the credentials board. I'm not the sure if I like seeing them squirm or am deeply concerned about the leadership of the church. Probably both. I want to stay out late with some with nutty people without feeling that will be a wreck on Sunday because of it. I am so tired stupid voice software won't work. I don't want to be someone different... I want to be myself. It is that too much to ask?
No
Parkinson’s Disease significantly impairs the function of the frontal lobe of the brain. The frontal lobe has an administrative function, prioritizing and filtering out that which is unimportant. Parkinsonian people tend to be overwhelmed and unable to focus in an ADD kind of way.
June 20, 2003 (Sitting in my office at the church)
This is what happens when my mind goes hyper. My mind has just jumped in the last one or two minutes from going to Sam’s, going to the bank, going to the driving range, going fishing, going to the wake, talking to Louise, working on Colossians, working on the cycle of victorious living diagram, meeting with Gary, going swimming, working out, taking the digital recorder back, fixing supper. What do I do to short-circuit my head from this mind blitz?
This is not like me. It is why I feel lonely or mixed up sometimes. I keep missing myself... but I am really still there. When I’m writing ... that’s the real me. When I’m goofing off ... that’s the real me. When I cried... I guess that was the real me... just didn’t know it. When I preach... it’s not a persona... it’s the real me (but God’s words). So when I miss myself I just need to remember I’m still there... for the most part I’m still pretty visible. When I am trying to help people... it’s the real me... but only when I’m not trying to fix the whole world. When I am walking in puddles with Andrew... there I am... and I think it is a real Andrew as well. When hugging my wife, marveling at Jonathan’s talent or admiring Christina as a gift from God ... I am most myself. When I ask for help from friends... sometimes too often... I hope it’s the real me, not manipulating, not overly dependent... hoping to be a help to them as well.
Anyway this whole weird situation is interesting, exciting, hopeful, terrible, strange and the working of God continues in and through the whole thing.
Many who read this book (excuse the delusions of an un-published wanna-be author) will have stories of parental abuse as a child, the lingering pain as an adult victim of divorce, teachers who are not fair, an employer who has thrown them away like a used rag, friends who destroyed their reputation, a pastor who betrayed their confidence, a diagnosis that is overwhelming. None of this is good news. The fact remains … and I seldom if ever use this word but … duh … bad news, by definition, is bad.
Denial is not Faith
The first response when life shakes you up is – face the facts. Don’t deny reality. Denial is not a response of faith. Faith is not wishful thinking but rather a foundation upon which you can base your response to the crises of life. Christians have been accused of hiding their heads in the sand. In no way is Christian faith some sort of spiritualized denial mechanism.
You might say that faith is a crutch for there are times of weakness when we really need lean hard on the love of God and the care of his people. We need to stand upon that which is solid and dependable. But again, faith does not entail pretending that the crisis does not exist. Bill was always fantastic. He was retired and well into his senior years but he was one upbeat guy. Every week I would ask Bill how he was doing. The response was always “fantastic”. One Sunday, after being away a couple weeks, I didn’t see Bill and asked if he was O.K. … “Oh hadn’t you heard Bill’s dead”. Apparently he had terminal cancer and was not fantastic after all. Faith is not denial. Denial tends to be sub conscious, an involuntary response. The premise of this book is that the response to crises can be on purpose rather than involuntary. Denial takes several forms.
Initial Denial
There are times when the news is so bad that denial is necessary as a first step in coping with unthinkable bad news. My son Ryan as a sophomore in high school had been having headaches and dizzy spells at school. We took him to the doctor who immediately ordered an MRI. It was on a Friday afternoon that my wife walked through the back door of our the church parsonage with an MRI film. She was white as a sheet and nearly paralyzed with fear. The MRI revealed a large white mass the size of a softball on the right frontal lobe of his brain. We took him to the emergency room and after waiting five hours the neurologist on call said he was busy and would see him in five days.
We were frightened. We knew it was serious. But in spite of what we “knew” … he still went to the New York Mets games the next day at Shea Stadium. How stupid could we be? The facts were so overwhelming that we were unable to act as though we believed it. I had been diagnosed with PD a few months earlier, there was conflict and criticism in the church concerning a building project, we could not assimilate a brain tumor on top of everything else. He even went to school on Monday morning.
The good news is that I took the MRI to Columbia Presbyterian Hospital and my neurologists in the Movement Disorder Center dropped everything to call Sloane Kettering on the other side of Manhattan. Making like a New York cab driver I madly transported the MRI across town. The surgeon said get him down here immediately. By that afternoon my son was in intensive care at Cornell-Weir Hospital for Special Surgery. On Thursday, Dr. Souedane a world class pediatric surgeon performed the operation. I will never forget the feelings of fear, dread, and hope as my son was taken away from us and rolled through the doors … understanding that anything could happen and knowing that the news is not always good.
The tumor was fully removed, uninvolved with the brain, and totally benign with no trace of cancer. We are so thankful for the doctors, surgeons and staff of these amazing medical centers. Ryan missed his last two years of high school basketball but was able to play two years of college ball. It was a gift from God and he is now a social worker in Boston with plans for seminary in the near future.
The first natural response to trauma is denial. In an interesting way it is the first step in facing the facts. It is that time in which the facts are “known” but we act as though they are not real. In this sense, initial denial is a helpful tool as a step toward facing reality.
Denial becomes a negative response when it continues beyond the initial state of shock. There is a type of pseudo-Christian response which ignores the seriousness of bad news and tragic circumstances. The attitude is that God is still on the throne and everything is going to be OK. Ultimately everything will be OK for the Christian. Later I will introduce you to an important tenet of the faith, “Cheer Up … someday you’re gonna die”. By faith we believe in eternal life.
The reality of heaven does not, however, guarantee that I will be healed of my disease in this life. I will attempt to leave you puzzling over the whys and wherefores of healing/non-healing in a page or two. Jesus does not teach that the life of a disciple is a life without suffering, pain, disease, and persecution. Living by faith is not denying the suffering but rather living out the life of hope and faith even if the suffering is not miraculously removed.
Any denial of the difficult realities of life is a denial of the adequacy of Christ in whom we place our faith. Jesus is the cornerstone of our faith. He did not come to live among us, so that we could escape real life. He came; calling us as His followers to get all wrapped up in realities of a world full of sin, oppression, and injustice... seeking to save those who are lost.
When you lose your job... face the facts. When you are stricken with illness don't act as though it doesn't exist. When you fail... Afess@ up... face the music... suffer the embarrassment. When you sin, don't pretend it's a mistake, confess the sin. There's no way to deal with the things that shake your life until you look them straight in the eye. (pink slips, diagnoses, rejection, and other trials certainly must have eyes ... They find us so readily)
There are other less than positive responses to the trials of life.
Complaint
It was a father/son moment. I had picked Dave up from school and we went to enjoy pizza and the normal parental prying session. Why do parents have to get so personal! Anyway, we ordered our pizza, waited as patiently as possible for a lively junior higher and a busy pastor. (Neither one of us waits well) We kept looking toward the kitchen door with anticipation.
The pizza finally arrived, saying a very few brief words of thanks, I suspended my prying and we dug in. If anticipation is half of the enjoyment … we were missing half the fun. The pizza was cold with barely a brushing of tomato sauce and just a little bit too tough for my 50 year old teeth.
Being in an assertive mood, I called the waiter over and pointed out the injustice of having trusted such a fine institution to provide a quality product and to receive instead that which was so far below reasonable expectations. The waiter was all apologies and quickly returned to the kitchen. Ten minutes later we received our pizza, hot and steaming, with too MUCH sauce. Topping it all off, the waiter said, the manager says the pizza is free today.
It was a very cool deal that my son was able to see me at my courageous best. I stood up for my rights and that poor waiter never had a chance. My son was seriously impressed about the free pizza we enjoyed.
Not long after we were in a restaurant with the family. It hadn’t been 5 minutes after receiving our meals that Dave, followed my stalwart example saying, this spaghetti is terrible, tell the waitress we want free spaghetti.
We live in a complaining society. We deserve a break today. We deserve to be treated well. If we are inconvenienced, ignored, or even if fate deals us a bad hand someone needs to hear about it. When life shakes you up, the “path of least resistance” response is complaint. If we take an objective step back and consider the value of complaint, there is little benefit.
Henri Nouwen, in The Return of the Prodigal Son, had an insightful perspective on the nature of complaint:
One thing I am sure. Complaining is self-perpetuating and counterproductive. Whenever I express my complaints in the hope of evoking pity and receiving the satisfaction I so much desire, the result is always the opposite of what I tried to get. A complainer is hard to live with, and very few people know how to respond to the complaints made by a self-rejecting person. The tragedy is that often, the complaint, once expressed, leads to that which is most feared: further rejection.
I may still send my cold pizza back, but the salient point is that, complaint is not a response of faith and maturity. Complaint is wishful petulant thinking … wishing in a self focused way that I should never have to face the pain, trials, and loss of living in a world where pain, disease, ignorance, and sin are a reality. Chapter Four will focus on the faith decision to “live your faith”, as an alternative to complaint, escape, blame etc. but for now … the focus is upon complaint as a negative response to the crises of life.
Self Pity
Another memory… let me know if you are getting tired of my family stories. I received a call from my daughter’s elementary school. Christina was in 4th grade at the time, was apparently hurt in the play ground and the nurse was asking me to come and get her. Being busy in the office, I said I could get there in half hour or so, to which the nurse responded; “you need to come right now!” Of course I left right away, still having no details of the problem.
Apparently a two inch branch of a tree had tipped into the playground where the kids were pulling it back, sitting on it, and going for a ride upon it’s release. Christine was waiting her turn when another child pulled the branch back while she was in front of it. The branch was released and my daughter went on a completely unexpected, very painful and frightening ride. The branch caught her in the mouth, splitting her lip, driving her four front teeth into her mouth, and tearing the palate. It was a sight no parent should ever have to see.
We rushed her to an oral surgeon with a gruff, insensitive dentist chair side manner, which was more than annoying. I held her hand as he pulled the teeth forward, pushed them in place, and stitched up the palate all the while telling my nine year old not to cry because it wasn’t his fault she was injured. He was a grouchy old guy, which was the bad news … his being a good surgeon was the good news. We picked up pain medication and went home to wait on her hand and foot and help her recover the best we could.
Just about this time one of my sons came home, threw down his back pack saying … this was the worst day of my life! He began to tell his sad story of forgotten homework or unfair teachers or whatever was the crisis of the day … he was looking for some sympathy for his angst of his day when he saw his sister. Her face was swollen and bruised, she was obviously being pampered within an inch of her life … his countenance fell. Clearly his sister had sucked every ounce of available pity from the hearts of her family. Seeing there was no pity left to be had, he left his back pack and trudged wearily up to his room. It seemed like he was the only invite to his pity party that day.
What is it about a pity party that we enjoy so much? Pity, like complaint is another “path of least resistance” response to crises. Pity is the opposite of compassion. Compassion says, I feel your pain, how can I help. Pity says, I feel my pain, how can you help me. Self pity is an open invitation to a party that no one really wants to attend but they can’t refuse. The RSVP is not an option; it is not received in the mail but rather delivered in person.
Again, like complaint, pity is not a response of faith. Faith is facing the facts, part of which is the living through pain, inconvenience, injustice, or sorrow that accompany the crises of life. Self pity turns us inward as a negative, escapist, reactionary response to the insecurities of life. A faith response is pro-active, standing strong:
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. Ephesians 6:14-17
As followers of Jesus Christ, we are not without resources. Pain and crisis do not alter the truth upon which we stand. The good news of the gospel is an ever present reality. The shield of a practical and personal faith remains as a shield against the attack of negativity and temptation. We are protected by the helmet of salvation so that when we are shaken by life we can respond on purpose in a pro-active way. We will look further at some of these issues when we discuss, Living Your Faith, as a purposeful practical life style decision. But for now: Tear up the invitation …
Panic
Another common and less than positive response is panic. We had a gang of young boys growing up in our town just outside of Boston. This was gang activity in the best sense of the word. These were the unenlightened days of the late 50’s so it was politically correct to play cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians, knights of the round table, NFL football but the thing we loved most was “raiding the girls”. The girls would be playing house or whatever other girly thing they happened to be doing and we would swoop in as marauding bandits, over turn their tea set, frighten their dolls and generally wreak havoc and misery upon their existence.
Well we were enjoying our raid this one particular day when the ground began to rumble and here comes Mr. LeBrun. He was big and we thought ugly and very mad ... steam from his ears ... froth from his mouth ... coming to save the girls and demolish the enemy. Well it was fight or flight time and knowing that fight was not an option I burst into all out flight mode. I began to run ... and lo and behold he starts chasing me ... did he not know my older brother was the ring leader of this nefarious plot? I Put my head down, ducked into a neighboring nursery and began running thru the trees. He was getting closer, I could feel his hot breath on my neck. He was just about to get me when I found myself spinning my legs in mid air ... not unlike Wiley Coyote in the Road Runner cartoon. I had run straight of the precipice of a sheer cliff and was sure I would fall to my death, landing flat on my back after a frightening fall of at least 4 - 5 feet. When things get tough the easiest thing to do is panic ... worry ourselves sick ... do something stupid ... take things in our own hands ... run off a cliff in fear.
We don’t need to panic. We are not alone as our God is an ever present help in time of trouble. We are not alone as the family of God is a help and support. A loving God sends his Spirit to comfort, strengthen, and lead. We have a guide in the words of God and as we listen and seek the wisdom of an infinite God he will show us the next step to take when life shakes you up.
I am quite sure the next step taken in obedient response to the words of God will not be off a cliff. Then what we find is that our place of greatest fear and danger is most often the place of greatest blessing.
… our place of greatest fear and danger is most often the place of greatest blessing.
Bitterness
For the purposes of this book I am defining anger as the unavoidable human response on the feeling level. We will look at the feelings of anger in the next chapter. But here we will look at bitterness as a choice … choosing to nurse that feeling into bitterness. We are blessed with a beautiful back yard, a 1/3 acre lot with half of that covered with trees and flowers around a small in-ground pool that is used every day during the summer. There were two trees in our back yard that that apart from exhaling oxygen back into the atmosphere were of very little use. These trees crowded out the growth of the flowers, blocked the sunlight from the pool, and in the fall shed bushels of leaves to fill the pool and yard. I even think I heard those naked trees snickering as I raked the yard and dredged their leafy remnants out of the pool.
My wife is wiser than I and suggested we cut the trees down. It hardly seemed right environmentally but the more we thought about it the more it made sense. We cut down three trees the two leaf factories and an evergreen that was growing too close to the house for safety. This summer was the first without the trees. The flowers look better and healthier than ever, the pool was 10-15 degrees warmer, and I am looking out my back window in November having spent a total of 90 minutes raking leaves this fall.
We enjoyed the flowers, the sunlight and the warmth this summer but we noticed that those trees began to grow back. It was clear that in a very few years they would be blocking the sun and crowding out the flowers again. In response to their stubbornness we treated those tree stumps with defoliant. We did not want to nurture the growth of those trees blocking the light. They were an unwelcome presence in our yard.
Why would anyone cultivate and nurture anger? What is it that draws us to the perverse torture/pleasure of reliving and remembering the pain and injustice of life. Anger is a very real, powerful, and even healthy response to the inequity and iniquities of life. The feelings of anger, however, are like emotional stem cells. I will refrain from the ethical controversy surrounding stem cells as related to neurological disease, just to mentions that stem cells are cells in the early developmental stages that through the miraculous creative power of God (or mother nature, or the amazing creative force of skillions of years and blind chance … but I digress) these cells have the ability to morph into all the various cells that become a human body.
Feelings of anger can morph into bitterness and a self imposed self absorbed perspective that strangles the love, joy, and hopefulness out of life. Feelings of anger, as emotional/spiritual stem cells, in the petri dish of the human heart, soaking in self centeredness and revenge yield a rancor that is hard, cold, and faithless. This bitterness can consume every waking moment, poison every relationship, and skew every decision.
On the other hand, these same feelings in the petri dish of the same human heart saturated with grace, faith and forgiveness yields a gentle spirit and a compassionate heart. Henri Nouwen speaks of the wounded healer, reminding us that it is those who have been hurt most deeply that can care with the greatest compassion. And as Jesus explained to his disciples, as Mary Magdalene anointed his feet, He that has been forgiven much, loves much.
We will look more closely at the grace-full way that God’s grace turns pain and sorrow into in subsequent chapters but for now, face the facts, with an acceptance that does not cultivate anger into the cold angst of bitterness.
Blame
Blame is closely related to bitterness. Blame is the perverse consuming need to attach a name, personality, or institution to the cultivated anger which is bitterness. We have asked the question; “Why would we ever cultivate feelings of anger when they produce such bitterness?” In the same way we can ask the question; “Why would we ever focus so much on establishing blame when it produces an ever deepening bitterness.
In blame, negative and/or hostile motives are assigned to the blamee, whoever or whatever that may be. In a self absorbed way, we foster a sense of, “my life and happiness are important” and he/she, they, God, (fill in the blank) has no right to disturb that. Can you see a pattern developing where a faith-less response turns us inward and away from the resources of God and toward the poverty of self sufficiency? Whereas, a faith response turns us away from the sink hole of self focus and toward the love, grace, and strength of God himself.
Did I mention, to let me know when you are tired of my personal stories? My son Jonathan is presently in Nairobi, Kenya for six months of volunteer service. He is teaching in the African Nazarene University, consulting with student government leaders and helping in any way he can.
We got a note just two weeks ago, “Hey Mom I am very sick. I don’t know what it is, but it’s bad.” That is not what you want to hear from a son on the other side of the world. He had fever, aching, nausea, loss of appetite and was expelling remnants of human ingestion from all directions. Our biggest fears were malaria which would be with him for the rest of his life and typhoid fever which could be 4-6 weeks of high fever, pain, and weakness. The good news was that it was neither of these diseases. The bad news was that he had an amoeba.
I googled amoeba disease and the first headline I saw was:
“6 die from brain-eating amoeba after swimming”
PHOENIX - It sounds like science fiction but it’s true: A killer amoeba living in lakes enters the body through the nose and attacks the brain where it feeds until you die . . .
These amoebae are one cell protozoa that are ingested in the drinking water especially in developing countries. They set up homestead in the digestive system for an incubation period and then reproduce and make their way to the liver, pancreas, kidney and brain. Fortunately the amoebae in question were of the less virulent strain and have been routinely treated with amoebacide medication.
If these invasive parasites were not eliminated they would have multiplied and affected the whole body. Bitterness is an invasive parasite that will reproduce and infect every area of life. By establishing blame, we setup a target upon which to direct our anger. The result is an environment for the unwelcome invader of bitterness to multiply and intensify. We do not face the facts, rather we spend our time and energy blaming rather than responding in faith. Purposely turning away from the blame game and turning toward a faith response is a necessary step in facing the realities of life with grace, strength, and resolve.
Henri Nouwen, speaks of the freedom and deliverance from the shackles of blame and bitterness”
Imagine your having no need at all to judge anybody. Imagine your having no desire to decide someone is a good or bad person. Imagine your being completely free from the feeling that you have to make up your mind about the morality of someone's behavior. Imagine that you could say: I am judging no one ! Henri Nouwen Here and Now
Not one of us is exempt from the shattering assault of the tragic and unjust events of life. People do not always smile at you. Good fortune does not always fill your life with sunlight. There are times when the darkness of pain, trial, suffering and injustice consume your existence. Facing the facts, living by faith involves an acceptance of the trials and suffering of life … not a pain free life but a deep rich abundant life. Accepting the facts is more than a passive endurance of pain but is also a decisive turning from a self absorbed obsession/pre-occupation with personal comfort, convenience and pleasure. It is as we accept and even embrace the reality of suffering that we come to know and understand God’s working in us.
It is in the real finite struggles of life that an infinite God reveals his love, grace, and power to us as well as to those around us. Skye Jethani quotes Dallas Willard, “We are not to try to get in a position to avoid trials. And we are not to ‘catastrophize’ and declare the ‘end of the world’ when things happen. Jethani goes on to say, “the trials of ordinary existence are the divine curricula for spiritual maturity. These are the laser beams God uses to put our old self, with it’s misappropriated desires, to death and then resurrect a new self with new desires focused on a more lasting joy. In other words although I really prefer comfort and a painless existence … that is neither my deepest need nor the way of greatest happiness. My greatest joy is in facing the trials with the empowerment, grace, inner strength and joy of a practical relationship with a personal God.
The first aspect of a faith response is … Face the Facts. With God’s help, grace, and strength we can indeed face the real world … through Christ who strengthens us.
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